New beginning.....and a new ending.....or what was meant to be...

Wow!  Has it really been over a month since my last blog post?  Too long!  Can't let that happen again!!!!  so here we go......

Can one really "start over"?  I say no and why would you want to!  Starting over means that you negate everything you have done and experienced to get you where you are at this moment!  So I propose this......

‎"No one can go back & make a brand new start but anyone can start from now & make a brand new ending."  I just recently saw this quote, of course, on Facebook.....You know, the place where all quotes exist, all insights and advice are given, all truths are told (insert hard belly laugh here).  

This quote however stuck with me.  I think it resonated with me because I have often heard the words "If I had to do it all over..... or I wish I could start brand new...." come from my lips.  I believe it is a natural human response to want to start over or start fresh when our lives take an unexpected turn or our journey brings us down a path that we did not anticipate or want.  Truth be told, when I really think about those words, "starting over", "a brand new start", it is the exact opposite of what I want.  

I just started my new job one month ago and I love it.  I love it for so many reasons.  I feel comfortable, I feel like I fit, I feel like a part of something and I feel like I can and will have a positive impact!  Now I know it will not be all roses and smiles, it is work after all....but, it makes me happy.  At first I looked at it as if I was starting over, starting fresh, but in fact, it is neither.  I feel like I am getting my life back in a sense.  A life that was on a temporary pause.  We do that, we sometimes put life on pause, while we figure things out.  Now I am sure you know I mean that figuratively as we all know the world keeps turning, the clock keeps ticking and life continues to happen but often we are presented with circumstances that put our life, our journey on pause!  So I assert that this is not starting over, it is just a continuation and possible new path to this thing I call my journey.  (My Insight - pressing the pause does not stop life from happening, it just gives you time and an opportunity to clarify what change is necessary, define new goals, revisit your dreams and clear that new path, blaze a new trail if you will). 

So this new job, it is me, taking my life off pause.  Taking what I know, my skills, my professional experiences, my life experiences and my insight at this very moment and beginning to carve out a new path on my journey and maybe even create a new ending than the one the universe had in mind.  Now by ending I don't mean final, I simply mean a new ending than possibly the one that was in store for me had I stayed on the path/journey I was on.  I guess only time will tell or maybe it won't.

If you have read my blog before you already know I really struggle with the general concept that everything happens for a reason but I do believe there are not coincidences.  That being said, this new path, this new life and professional journey, is it really me writing a new ending or was it truly the path I was destined to follow, the ending I was really supposed to have. (Again, I don't like the finality of the word ending, but for the purposes of the aforementioned quote, it works)

You see my whole life has seemed to change in the last 4 years.  Yes, in the last 4 years I have experienced true heartache, pain, anger, frustration, loss and confusion however when I really reflect on the last 4 years, those things are insignificant to the happiness, joy, love, laughter, friendship, growth, maturity, and perspective I have experienced and gained. 

I have reconnected with old friends, made new ones, learned valuable (and at times painful) lessons about people and how naive I can be when it comes to the intentions of others.  I have made errors in judgement and made mistakes.  I have become more involved and realized that my journey is not just about me and what I create but what I do and who and how I impact.  I have learned that my purpose, what I thought I was meant to do and be is very different.  I have learned to be patient with people, I have learned to be more compassionate, I have learned to view people and situations for what they are and not based upon my agenda or what I think they are.  I have learned that it really is not all about me but about the bigger picture, the people around me and what I want my legacy to be.

You see I have experienced change.  Some change happens overtime and some change happens within days and some occurs instantly!  Some change is completely unexpected while other change is anticipated and well planned (this doesn't happen to often though).  Some of my change has come in the form of a life lesson and some have forced an immediate life course correction.  Either way I have learned that change is good.  Even big change!  (My Insight - 4 years ago I made the conscious choice to Live Life Out Loud! To try my damnedest to live life with no regrets!  Its hard but its worth it.  It can upset people who don't understand, but its worth it.  It sometimes causes pain and sadness, but its worth it. When it creates happiness, joy, laughter, and that sense of inner strength and fulfillment we all strive for, it is more than worth it!)

Quote - Unknown author - "Making a big life change is scary.  But, know what's even scarier?  Regret!"

This being said, it has become very important for me to continue my life's journey being reflective, learning, being open to change and understanding that every curve ball, every new experience, every new person or relationship (new or old) is placed before me so that I may gain perspective and share that perspective with those I care for, those that will listen and those that might benefit.  (My Insight - Do more of what makes you happy!!!!!)

Living your journey; insights from a redhead: Guilt and expectations.....learning how to manage ...

Living your journey; insights from a redhead: Guilt and expectations.....learning how to manage ...: This past week has been quite the emotional roller coaster.  Mother's Day has come and gone (I can assure you that I did not get the Mothe...

Guilt and expectations.....learning how to manage both.

This past week has been quite the emotional roller coaster.  Mother's Day has come and gone (I can assure you that I did not get the Mother of the year award), my daughter has returned home from college, family picnic with my Mom and Father-in-law (yes, them, together as in dating, living in my mom's house. Strange for some but I am getting used to it and will probably devote an entire post to it at some point), kid's school and activities, wrapping up one job and getting prepared to begin a new one (a new career and chapter on my journey) and one of the most emotional, frightening and life affirming events I can remember (since the birth of my children and learning of Tori's Diabetes).  

I received a text message from my friend and neighbor of 11 years late Thursday afternoon (May 10th).  She and her family were in Albany Medical Center as their eldest daughter (22 years old on May 8th) had been admitted and was now fighting for her life.  She was 29 weeks pregnant and was now fighting an infection that had consumed her entire body, was shutting down her organs, requiring her to be placed on a respirator and forced the birth of her baby girl, way to early.

My neighbor's text said very simply, "they just told us that she (her 22 year old daughter) may not make it through the night".  My thoughts raced.  The noise that is a constant in my head (I affectionately refer to it as my Rolodex) had instantly gotten louder.  Shortly  after the text, I received a call from our other close friend.  She quickly said "I am on my way to the hospital, do you want a ride?"  I said no, I needed to shower and would drive down myself.  At that moment, it was not a question of whether our friend wanted us there but how quickly we could get there.  I showered in minutes.  I remember crying in the shower, looking up at the ceiling as if talking to that "higher power" and I remember saying out loud "not on my watch, not today, you will not take her or that baby"  Probably not the correct way to pray, but it was what came out!  

I threw my hair up, put on jeans, a shirt and shoes (not even caring if it all went together) barely put on make up and flew out the door.  This was my friend, my neighbor and it was her daughter, only 2 1/2 years older than my own daughter.  For 11 years, I have watched all the girls grow (my neighbor also has 20 year old twin girls), have sleepovers, argue with each other and their parents, compete in sports, find jobs, have boyfriend issues, proms, dances, birthdays and graduations.  We have spent many evenings together, our family’s playing cards, having BBQs, parties, watching football games and just drinking wine on the porch swing.  Now, she, my friend was sitting numb in a waiting room wondering what the fate of her daughter and granddaughter would be.  My heart broke for her and her family.  

I cried almost the entire 53 minute trip to the hospital, not sure what to do or say when I got there, hoping I would know when I finally saw her.  Upon my arrival I walked through the halls of the hospital with such determination that I am sure those who passed me just stepped out of my way and let me pass out of fear I would run them over.  (It is kind of who I am in times of crisis).  I finally saw my friend, dropped my purse and just hugged her!  No real words spoken.  If I said any, I don't remember what they were. 

Insight - Many times the best thing to do is speak no words, just be there. Just be present!

I sat with the family for hours, the news had not changed and her daughter's condition was still grave.  I was given the opportunity to go in and see their daughter.  (Yes, my first born attributes, my Type A personality, my need to control took over)  I found myself introducing my self to doctor's, asking questions, looking at monitors, asking about her course of treatment.  (Screw the Healthcare privacy act!  I needed information and I needed it now).  Oddly enough not one person asked who I was or how I was related.  They just answered my questions.  (It’s a gift, she says with a wink).  I have been so often told that I am the person anyone would want to have around in a time of crisis.  I will take that as a compliment.  

In the room I saw her.  Not the vibrant, blond haired, blue eyed young woman with a great smile.  She was attached to more tubes and wires than I could count, she was unconscious (for the most part) and a machine was breathing for her.  My brain immediately brought me back to the day of her wedding 7 months earlier. The wedding that I helped to coordinate.  She was a gorgeous bride that day (but what bride isn't) and now, she was, well, not doing well.  Her baby girl, a preemie at 29 weeks weighed a mere 2.8 pounds and was in the NICU, a machine breathing for her too.  I was not leaving until we received good news!

Fast forward one week - Mom and baby are great!!!!!  The new mom improved rapidly.  Taken off most of the wires and tubes that were sustaining her life just a few days ago.  The breathing machine was next!  She is now walking up and down the hallway and has gotten to hold her baby.  The baby, well, she is beautiful, sustaining her weight, now breathing on her own and feisty as hell.  

Insight - Friends are everything.  There is no limit to the power of prayer and the power of friendship.  

This event, this experience coupled with the rest of my week got me thinking again about my journey and the short amount of time we are really given to experience life.

As for Mother's Day, truth be told it was not great.  My children were wonderful, homemade cards and such thoughtful gifts (homemade and store bought).  Bruce made me coffee and breakfast and I was able to continue with the long standing tradition of "breakfast in bed" but the morning was bittersweet knowing I had to get up and go to work in a couple of hours.  I have never had to work on a Mother's Day before.  I know that so many moms out there have to and do, year and year, but for me this was a different experience. 

I was angry I had to go to work.  It didn't feel like Mother's Day.  I arrived at work. (For those of you who don't know me personally, while I was looking for a job, I began bartending at a local tavern near my house).  I arrived on Mother's Day morning to what I thought was going to be a wonderful Mother's Day Brunch.  It was not.  It was a total fiasco and I will leave it at that.  My anger continued to increase.  It was Mother's Day and I was not with my family (who had plans for a nice lunch with all my extended family).  I was missing it!  I also had to leave the family picnic the day before to go to work at the bar.  (Maybe that is where my frustration began).  I am very grateful for the opportunity to work at the tavern and have had a lot of fun doing it but I am not a fan of missing weekend events!  Call me selfish but I didn't like it.  I respect and have compassion for all those who work weekends, nights and all other non-traditional work schedules but it is not for me and I am okay with that.

I was lucky enough to end my work shift early and rushed to the restaurant where the family had started their Mother's Day lunch 45 minutes previous.  My expectations of having a wonderful afternoon were high as my day had started out so badly but somewhere deep inside I knew that setting those expectations would come back to bite me! They did.

As I was driving, I again was angry and felt frustrated.  I arrived late to lunch, I was not happy, there was no room at the table (they made room).  My mom and father-in-law were there (a little awkward), my brothers, my aunt, my kids and husband and yet, all I wanted was to be someplace else!  I told you I was not getting mother of the year!

Why did I want to be someplace else?  Why was I not happy, thankful and grateful?  Why at that moment did I not want to be a mother?  Why did I feel so damn guilty for these feelings Why?  

Insight - Guilt is powerful and often self inflicted.  It is okay to feel indifference toward family at times.  It is okay and perfectly natural to want to check out as a mom every once in a while and one should do that "guilt free".

Guilt is something I know a lot about.  I often feel guilty for the some of choices and decisions I have made through out my life.  Some I regret which is why I am so adamant about living life with NO REGRETS.   

I feel guilty that I did not know enough at 24 when Tori was born and therefore, in my mind, she didn't get everything she deserved from her mom.  I feel guilty that I divorced her biological father when she was so very young and although trying to shield her from ugliness, she saw it.  I feel guilty that she is a diabetic and I can't fix her.  I feel guilty that Tanner and Erin have seen the ugliness of what Diabetes can do, have witnessed the death of family members, the suicide of their grandfather, the divorces of their grandparents and other family members.  I feel guilty that they have witnessed their parents fighting and hearing hurtful words.  I feel guilty that they often put themselves in the role of peacemaker.  I feel guilty that I have spent much of my professional career traveling and leaving them at the door begging me not to go.  But with that, I also feel guilt that there are times I want out.  I don't want to be the mommy, the wife, the glue that holds the family together.  Wow, that is a lot of guilt but as I have learned the hard way, much is self inflicted.  

Insight - You must come to terms with your guilt.  Must be okay knowing you have done your best, if it was your best. Must be okay with your mistakes and feelings.  Must be okay and come to terms with the fact that you are more than just a "mom" or "wife" or a "dad" or "husband".  You are a person, a human being.  You are your own person with wants, needs, desires, dreams and fears.

After all, I was Kathleen (just Kathleen) long before I was any of those things.  Unfortunately, when I was just Kathleen, I did not know who Kathleen was.  I failed to identify and appreciate what made me, "me”.  I believe we all do this.  It is often not until we experience the trials and tribulations that make up our life do we begin to understand who we are and by then, we have allowed those experiences, life decisions, people around us, family and society to determine and define who we are or who we should be (hence, the guilt begins even before we know it is there).

I saw a young woman become a mom for the first time this week.  I thought about how wonderful her experience (albeit starting off a little rocky) would be.  I also began to realize how much I have changed in the 20 years since becoming a mother.  Not in a bad way.  Just different.

I love my children and family (as crazy and dysfunctional as they all are).  I love being a mother even though sometimes I don't want to be.  I love my home although there are many times I don't want to be here.  I am learning that it is okay to want new, exciting and different things in my life and for my future while never compromising my ability to be a mother and love and care for my children.  I am learning not be fearful of change but to embrace it as it is my journey and destiny!

Insight - Guilt is a real feeling but you have the power to control it.  Setting expectations too high for yourself, your family, friends and situations will often times lead to disappointment.  Instead, try not to have too many expectations, just be happy, think positive and be grateful for what you have and get.  Live in the moment!!!

I don't claim to have all the answers and I hope I never do as that would end my desire to continue to learn and life's ability to educate me.  I am happy and proud to know more than I did 20 years ago, 10 years ago, hell, 5 minutes ago.  I am thankful that I am still a sponge, eager to learn life's lessons and all the things that my friends, family and mostly my children teach me every day.  I can only hope that I can return the same education, lessons and insights to them.  I can only hope that I live up to the expectations of those I care so deeply for and never let them down, at least not intentionally.

Life and this journey is all about gaining perspective, making changes, (good or bad), trying new things, not being afraid, meeting new people, LEARNING, making mistakes, making yourself happy so you can make those around you happy. and living your dreams.  

Insight - Strive to make your dreams your reality!!

Reflecting on a rainy Tuesday.......

If I have learned anything in the past 4 years (since joining the 40s club) it is that one MUST take the time to reflect.  Now today I am not talking about reflecting upon your whole life, that's a pretty big task and one that I hope each of us does periodically.  I am talking about taking time to reflect on the little things.  The previous week, the people you met and interacted with, the conversations you had, the things you said (or didn't say) and why.  The lessons you have learned, the impact you think you had on the people around you.  What made you laugh and smile and what made you sad and cry.  These are the many things I am reflecting upon today, as I sit in my PJs (at 11am) in front of my keyboard, eating veggie chips and dip (cut me some slack, at least its not ice cream and M&Ms).

So first thing is first...it is so okay to pick a day and never get out of your Pjs.  I did not realize this until recently and even now struggle conceptually with this.  I have always be on the go.  Never resting, never taking more than 10 minutes to sit and relax.  No, I don't always stop and smell the roses or in my case, the lilacs, but I am now!!  Sleep, well that is a foreign concept to me most of the time.  Recently however, I am finding it easier and easier to relax, to rest and yes, nap.

The Nap.  Until recently, I can't remember the last time I consciously laid down, during the day and closed my eyes.  We are all forced to take naps as children yet we fight it every moment.  I can remember fighting my own Mother's request for me to take a nap (it was really not a request, I was forced to a kid) and hating that she made me lay down when I was not tired.  I don't remember when it was that I realized I had wasted so many opportunities for a good nap.  Today however I believe you will all agree with me when I say that we WISH someone would force us to take a nap.

As I said, I was never a person who could nap, until recently.  You may chalk it up to the fact that my body and mind is older and needs more rest so just out of self preservation, I am inclined to take the occasional nap.  I, however believe that it is just me becoming comfortable with the idea that I am not perfect, I don't need to prove how high energy and efficient I am (god I just sounded like a Whirlpool washing machine commercial) and there is really no glory, prizes or awards for being the person that can function on less than 6 hours of sleep every night.  I'd like to call it wisdom that has come with age.

Yesterday for example, I took a nap.  Granted it was only about 25 minutes, (and I did work late nights all weekend) but it was in the middle of the afternoon and I did not feel guilty for a moment.  My family will tell you that is huge progress for me.

As I reflect on the last week or so, I am reminded of how much I have learned about me, my life, the people I surround myself with, the journey I am on and what is and will make me happy.  As I reflect on all that has happened to me I find myself reciting the saying "everything happens for a reason"  As I repeat these words, I also find myself questioning the use of this phrase.  It is so often used when trying to make a person feel better about an unfortunate event or situation.  You have heard me speak of this concept before.  The fact that we as people tend to dwell on the negative and try to validate why "these things" happen and to try to make the person feel better by indicating that there is a greater reason or purpose.  I say that this is crap.

Yes of course everything happens for a reason, if there was no reason, than why would it happen.  It is life, it is what we signed up for the day we took our first breath.

But don't tell me that by telling a person who has just lost a child, gone through a separation or divorce, lost a job or did not get the job they "really wanted" (I speak of personal experience here), received a bad medical diagnosis, lost a friend, or is just having a bad day, that "Everything Happens for a Reason"

News Flash - it really does not help!!!

When bad things happen in a person's life they want to cope in their own way.  While we all appreciate and welcome support, often we must go through it "our way".  We must come to terms with it and validate it on our own.

We might want to be angry (inwardly or outwardly), we want to yell, retreat to a quiet place, internalize or just scream at the world.  We want to be allowed to say "It is not fair" and "I wish it did not happen to me or my loved ones"  At that moment, we really are not thinking about what the reason, what the purpose is or what a higher power may have in store for us!

I am speaking of not only my own personal experiences but also the experiences of some of my closest and dearest friends and of course my family.  My friends have lost children too soon (just senseless), they continue to deal with medical diagnoses of their children that might yet again change the course of their life. (the worry is indescribable).  Some of those I care so deeply about have had health scares, (life changing).  I have watched a dear friend's husband, a young healthy, vibrant father of three, battle yet again with cancer (unfair).  My own daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes five years ago and not a moment goes by that I don't worry.  I have lost a parent to suicide, I have been through divorce, I have lost a job that I enjoyed and have been turned down for what I believed to be the perfect job.  I have experienced other challenges that I am sure you can all relate to and yet I cannot seem to fathom the reasons for these things.  Yes, yes I know, we would not be the person we are today if not for the experiences and adversity we all face....I get that, yet I still cannot seem to apply the "Everything happens for a reason" mantra to so many of these things.

I have yet to find purpose or meaning in the death of my step father or in the Diabetes diagnosis of my daughter.  I have yet to arrive at a rational conclusion as to why my friend, my "split apart at birth" as we affectionately refer to each other, lost her daughter at age 13 and why her son must continue to struggle with the same disease that took his sister (FUCF, I couldn't resist the opportunity and for those of you who know me or her story, you get this).

The stories are endless and yet, the reasons are few.  Yet, through all I my own experiences and those of the people I love and care about, we still find happiness, reasons to smile, laugh and live!

My very dear friend "M" rarely uses the "Everything happens for a reason" phrase, rather she uses what I would consider a much more life applicable phrase. "There are no coincidences"  I have come to learn that this is an ambiguous, subjective, multi-functional phrase that still allows for hope, a little mystery and gives people the chance to just accept what they are dealing with for what it is to them at the time. No reason, no validation, just "it is what it is".

I have rarely heard people say to others "Everything happens for a reason" during times of great happiness, elation and good news, although I am sure it has happened.  But, to tell someone in good times and bad that "there are no coincidences", this allows them to see their situation as they wish and stop trying to figure out why something happened or what the future will bring as a result.

This week for me has been amazing.  I finally got that job I wanted and worked hard for. I saw people celebrate some of the most precious things we can, birthdays (another day to continue their journey). I shared good news with friends and family, I watched as friends enjoyed special days and times with their loved ones, I spent time with very special people in my life.  I made memories with the moments I spent with my own family and children.  I met new people, I learned that just a smile (my smile) can have a positive impact, even more than words and I took the time to reach out to these I have not spoken with in a while just to let them know I was thinking of them.  I took time by myself to rest and reflect, I exercised as I always do but also took time to enjoy some wine and good food! I said prayers for those who needed them and I gave thanks for all they I have been blessed with.  Most important, I continued to be honest with myself and those around me about my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my sadness and my journey.

Although my week was filled with so many positive and good things, there were still those days and times that tested my strength, tested my faith, my parenting skills, and my confidence and yet, I survived.  I came away with a few very important lessons:

• Rest and nap when you can and sleep in
• Stay in your PJs all day, at least every few months
• Eat what you want every once in a while
• Drink wine!!!!
• Be vulnerable, its okay
• Be sorry when you are and not because you think you have to
• Except you are not perfect, because you are not
• Accept that what you want and what you have could be very different things
• Don't be afraid to be truthful even if it may hurt, but be compassionate always
• It is ok to be angry and use less than appropriate language (know your audience though) ;-)
• Say what you mean; and most important;
• Do what makes you happy and is enjoyable, you only have one life, one journey and so little time to make them amazing!!!!

So as I reflect on this past week and all the wonderful things I did, the amazing people I spent time with, the conversations I had, I am reminded so vividly that truly there are "No Coincidences".

Riding the emotional roller coaster, try it, it is a rush!

Today, this morning, I am lying in bed, looking out the window of my daughter's 5th floor college dormitory room.  Unfortunately the rain and fog are preventing me from seeing what I know to be the beautiful and breathtaking lake her dorm overlooks.

Why am I in a dorm room with my daughter and her roommate you might be asking? (Remember it is 9am EST and they are still sleeping as this is college and sleeping in on a Tuesday morning is socially acceptable) First and really the only reasons necessary are that she is my daughter and asked if I would come for a visit.  It is the week before finals and she missed me.  Yeah like that took more than a New York minute to decide to come for a visit!

I would have also stayed in a hotel as I am sure most parents would have, but she asked me to stay in  her room.  So here I find myself, laying next to my daughter, as she sleeps (can't remember the last time I did that) knowing she is 19 years old but feeling like she is 9.  I begin to get a little emotional.

I look around the room and see, what I would initially define as a mess, and plethora of 19 year old college girl paraphernalia.  Clothes, shoes, makeup, nail polish (why do 2 girls need 30 different nail polish colors at college?), glasses (of the adult beverage nature), cups, bowls, cleaning supplies (although I am not sure they are used often), electric hair styling devices, posters, pictures, Christmas lights, food and oh yes, what looks to be at least some educational books, papers, and a computer (phew, I was worried about what my tuition money was actually buying).  Many may see a mess, as did I at first glance, but after arriving last night and hearing her tell me how she cleaned, changed the sheets and prepared for my visit, well suddenly it looks very clean!

As I sit here and write, I am again feeling emotional.  As a mom, as a woman and a person.  So much has changed since I went to college 25+ years ago and yet nothing has changed.  So much has changed in my daughter's 19 years and yet nothing has changed.  She may be older, more mature, away from me and have a few more tattoos and piercings than she did when she was 9 years old, but she is still that little girl I remember.

I am thinking about how we spent our night. Dinner together, time in her dorm sharing stories with the friends she invited over to meet me. I feel blessed by the notion that this is a turning point in our relationship as she asked me to be there and chose to spend a quiet, subdued Monday night sharing wine and visiting with her mom.  Again another wave of emotion falls over me.

She cleaned her room for my visit, gave up her bed for me and slept on the floor, told me about all her life and the boys.  She revealed her money concerns and yet never once asked me for money, rather said, no worries, I got it covered.  She shared a part of her life that I don't often see and I was proud to see the person she has become!  Emotional, yes, blessed and thankful.....so much!!

Now I am sure upon my departure she will return to her normal college routine which includes her on- campus job, parties, downtown, pizza, wings, the occasional alcoholic beverage (wincing as I write those words), boys and hopefully classes and studying but I will remember how absolutely pleasant and fun she made my visit.

This brings me to the reason I write today.  Emotions.  The things our brain has us feel about the situations we face, the people we meet, know and deal with every day.  The experiences we have.  Simply put, how we feel about our life and our journey every day!

I am often so amazed and perplexed by the range of emotions one can feel day to day, week to week.  I can honestly say there are days when I lose count of the different emotions I feel.

As people, as human beings, we have been given the gift of emotion and feeling. Although at times it may feel like a curse, in the end it is a gift.  Although at time we believe it necessary to suppress those emotions and feeling, I say embrace them.  They are just one more way of understanding who you are as a person.

We are also given the gift and opportunity to decide what to do with those emotions and feelings (or not do) when we have them.  Last week, as those who read my blog know, was not such a great emotional week for me.  The week itself was not bad.  No one got hurt, no one I love found themselves in trouble, there were no catastrophic events that would have drastically changed the course of my life, but from an emotional standpoint, it was, well less than desirable.  That has all changed in a matter of days and this week I find myself riding an emotional high!  I find myself giving thanks for all the amazing and positive things I have and feeling blessed.

That is the funny thing about emotions, they can be and often are the things that cause us the most distress.  They can distract us immensely from the day to day tasks we must do.  They can feel devastating and can often derail us from our journey, our goals.

Emotions, however are two fold.  They are also the things that allow us to feel happy.  Feel elation when something wonderful has happened.  They allow us to forget what is upsetting us when our emotions are running high and we are feeling positive.  At that moment all seems right with the world.  And then, smack, in the blink of an eye, in what seems to be a flash of light, with no warning, emotions can change.  Something happens, something is said (or not said), you hear information or read news and just like the brain goes into over drive and you begin to process and feel something different than you did 1 minute ago.

Emotions are and always will be just like a roller coaster.  Whether you are a fan of coasters or not (I am....can't get enough of them) you know the feeling I am talking about.  Happy, sad, anticipation, fear, angry, elated, frustrated, exhilarated (too many to mention), that wave you can physically feel in your stomach and throughout your body.  That feeling that takes your breath away momentarily and makes your brain a little hazy.  Whether you are riding an actual roller coaster or just a proverbial emotional roller coaster, it is always a rush.

I am intrigued about how my own emotional roller coaster effects my life and decisions everyday.  I look back on some of the decisions I have made, the things I have said and the paths I have taken and really so many of them were made based upon my emotional state at the time and not the smart person I am or the data I had at that time.  Why do we do this?  Why do we allow our emotional state of mind to drive so much of our life?  Reflecting, I believe it is because at the time, at that very moment, the emotions we are feeling are so strong, so powerful, that your brain struggles to process what you intellectually know, with what your emotions or heart are making you feel.  So often it is our heart that wins the struggle.  It wins because we are for the most part idealists.  We are dreamers.  We are a people that make choices and decisions based upon what we want and hope will happen and not what our intellectual brains are telling us should and will happen.  It is a constant internal struggle and one that "our emotions" so often win.

I am not a medical doctor, nor am I an educated, trained psychologist or psychiatrist, but I am sure there are very specific medical terms, reasons, definitions for what I am describing but for me, the average person, living my journey it has become clear that while my emotions can and most often do get the best of me they have served me very well for the last 44 years.  There are not many things I regret and only sometimes do I look back wishing I had done something different.  You see on this journey my ultimate goal is to regret little, live every day to it's fullest potential and never look back and say "I wish I had......"  That to me is success!

Through this time of reflection I have also learned that moving forward I must work harder to allow my brain, my intellectual side, the smart person to drive more of my decisions.  Now that is not to say that emotions should not have that power and control they do but for me, they both need to be more balanced.  You see,  one of my lessons learned recently is that even after experiencing some of the same outcomes from decisions I have made emotionally, I often, knowing what will happen, repeat history.  This, in it of itself baffles me. Now that I have identified this, I will need to work hard at it daily.   But, again, I must remember, we are all human, living our journey the best way we can.

While I will work hard to create a better balance between my brain (and what I know to be true) and my heart (want I want and wish to be true) I will continue to ride the wave of my emotions and let those emotions drive my decisions (within reason!), create my paths and allow me to really live my journey. While sometimes I experience emotions that make me feel sad or angry, It is the happiness, joy, satisfaction, thankful and blessed feelings I get from most of my emotions, most of the time that have me looking forward to each new day and excited for where my journey will bring me.

Birth order or is it really the just the red hair.........

I have never been more aware of how my personality traits, qualities, skills and life experiences have served me until I began working part time as a bartender recently.  Being behind the bar requires so much more than serving drinks.  It is a fast paced, organized, carefully orchestrated job that requires everything I have learned about interpersonal skills, relationship building, style, grace, tolerance and yes, control.  Now don't get me wrong, it is all of these things but it is a damn good time too!  While it is a full and complete departure from the professional career that had me tied to a computer or blackberry for the last 19 years, everything I am and all that I have learned are applied to my job behind the bar every time I set foot behind the bar.  While this experience may be only be temporary until I figure out what and where my professional career journey will take me, I find myself asking......The person I am, the personality and traits I possess, how much of it is really related to the red locks I posses (she asks with a half smile) or the fact that I am a first born?

So you might be asking yourself, what the hell is she talking about, where is this blog post going and what does it have to do with being a Redhead?  I am getting there. Remember, this is my blog.......

I have always thought of myself as a take charge, "need to be in control of everything" kind of person. A fearless, strong willed, confident and competitive woman. I guess my perception of myself has evolved from years of being told both personally and professionally that I have boundless energy, I am a Type A personality, I am competitive, compassionate, loving, short tempered, and a little mischievous and oh, yes, probably the most often mentioned, I have this innate need to take charge and be in control, of everything and always try to have the last word.

My mom insisted I read the book Birth Order as it would explain a lot about who I am. It did. I learned the First born child tends to be extremely confident, a high achiever, driven, self assured and determined to be successful.  Yes, that is all me!!!   I must confess however, I also believe that being a redhead also explains so much as well.  If it didn't then redheads wouldn't be talked about, studied or referred to as much as we are. (Interesting fact: Of all the women who color their hair, 30 percent choose to become redheads—more than the 27 percent who go brunette and the 26 percent who go blond. Some scientists theorize that these women are capitalizing on the perception of the fiery redhead to signal to men that they are looking for partners. (Ok, it’s a theory!)

Via http://www.divinecaroline.com/37/71866-red-hot-redheads-cool-facts-carrot/2#ixzz1tRux3dYW

Now at first glance, one might think that most of these are complimentary descriptions and yes, to a degree they are, however for me, I also remember hearing these adjectives used in discussions with a tone and intent that was not always so complimentary.  Don't get me wrong, I have been praised for most of these qualities my entire professional career and life but as a kid growing up in school and when it comes to my interpersonal relationships, well, that is where this road takes a slight turn.

 There can be a downside to these "qualities" and "personality traits” I can hear actually hear my mother's words now.  The words she spoke during our many arguments, fights actually (yes, they were often screaming matches but I was 15 and well, 16, 17 and 18).  I am positive that I drove her crazy with my tenaciousness, my inability to admit I was wrong and my constant need to have the last word.  Yes, my mother is a saint and like many moms’ who raised shall we say "challenging" daughters, she wished upon me a daughter just like me, and I got one! The jury is still out on the 2nd daughter as she is only 10, but that is a whole other story.

Growing up a redhead with pale skin, greenish eyes and freckles, that was an interesting time.  Being a redhead with all the traits and qualities previously mentioned, let’s just say it was, at times challenging for me and those around me.  I remember so often wanting to change everything about myself.

Like many girls in their early teens I tried everything to change my hair color (lemons, peroxide and as I got older, actual hair color).  God I wanted to be a blond.  Like many who grew up in the error of the iconic and yet unrealistic Brady Bunch show I tried like hell to erase my damn freckles with lemons (Thanks Jan Brady for nothing).

I never felt like I fit in my own skin.  Although I can remember my mom telling me how wonderful and unique I was, I wanted to change myself desperately.  As a redhead, children in school can be unkind.  Add freckles to the mix and well the comments were not always kind.  (Ginger, carrot top, freckle face to name a few).  No one wants to be different, especially as a pre-teen.

Did you know that in medieval Europe, a Witch-hunting manual, "instructed that red hair and green eyes were marks of a witch, as were freckles."  In addition, "of all the hair stereotypes out there, no one suffers more injustice than redheads do. Throughout history, we have been subjected to discrimination and fearful prejudice, being viewed as untrustworthy, mischievous, temperamental, and lustful." (Great.....lets add witch to the redhead stereotype)  Being a redhead apparently comes with a lot of responsibility!!

Via http://www.divinecaroline.com/37/71866-red-hot-redheads-cool-facts-carrot#ixzz1tRpv6TN1

Then, flash forward 10 or so years and WOW, all of a sudden the gawky, freckle face redhead (with the strong personality) is all of a sudden, not so bad.  You look in the mirror and begin to like what you see and of course being noticed by the boys wasn't terrible.

  

It was not until I was in my 30s, did I really begin to understand who I was and began to be thankful for all that I am.  I began to understand the appeal of being a redhead but more importantly the appeal and importance of being a strong, intelligent, kind, compassionate, caring woman (even with a temper).  In my 40s however I really began to embrace everything that is my life and the person I am.   I began to understand the importance of being in control but learned how to balance that with the ability to compromise.  I began to learn how to be competitive and yet make the "bigger picture" a priority.  I began to truly know the importance of the strength I possess but learned that it does not make me weak to be vulnerable and ask for help.  I learned that I am not always right and that having the last word is not all its cracked up to be.  Refraining from that last remark and giving others hat opportunity allows for so much more learning.  You learn that listening is one of the most valuable communication strategies we have.

Well what ever the reason.  However I received these personality traits, qualities and skills, I would not change them for a moment.  They are who I am.  They define me.  They have served me well for the better part of 44 years and they have made me what I am today.  While I have learned in the last 10 years how to calibrate some of them, how to "tone" them down a bit in certain situations (specifically the OCD, control freak, short tempered, need to be right about everything traits) and how to use them to make me and the world and people around me better, I am blessed to be a fiery, unabashed, driven, confident, motivated, competitive and mischievous woman.  I will attribute some of this to my birth order but would like to believe that being a redhead has a lot to do with it too.

I am proud to represent 2% of the population.  I like being called rare and unique. I am happy to be part of a population that studies indicate that it really is the redhead who has more fun (yes the studies indicate that we desire and have a little more fun in the bedroom, if you catch my drift). So here I find myself, after years of wanting to change my hair color, wishing away my freckles and light skin, wishing I could change the traits I was blessed with and have made me successful, being completely and utterly happy.  Being content in that pale skin and being the fiery, sexy and mischievous redhead that I am today!  Yes for many I may be a mystery, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Are we truly not given more than we can handle?

There is a saying, "God does not give you more than he thinks you can handle".  Whether you are religious or not, believe in a God or not, we all know the saying.  Chances are we have all been told this at some point in our life.  It is only repeated at times of unrest, stress or uncertainly in one's life.  I ask, how come this saying is never brought out of a friend or acquaintance's arsenal of motivational, "pep talk" quotes and advice when things are good?  Is that because unlike the many hardships, stresses, self-imposed or perceived negative situations in our life, God would also not give us more happiness and joy than he think we can handle?  At the onset of hearing someone tell you this, I know my immediate response used to be "I know", "I am a strong woman, capable of handling what ever might come my way".  Now however, after hearing this statement more than I would care to say, my immediate response is "How do I know that I am strong enough?"

I was having lunch with one of the coolest people I know this week when we were deep in conversation about, well everything.  Life in general and like many of you out there we talked little about the good things in our life, the things we all say we are blessed to have but forget so quickly.  We spent much of our hour and  half lunch talking about "that stuff that God does not give us unless he knows we can handle it"  As I listened to this person, 20 years my junior, talk about her struggles, her fears and concerns, the insight I want to share is that nothing much changes in 20 years.  Yes, some of us mature, or like to think we do.  Yes, the actual struggles and issues are different but the reaction to them, the coping mechanisms we use and the way in which we lean on each other for support does not change.

How cool would it be to pull this saying out during a conversation detailing all the wonderful and amazing things going on in your life?  We all want happiness, we all are in search of that "thing: that "feeling" and for some that "person" that intangible and sometimes elusive thing that we believe will make us happy.  How cool would it be to start believing that not only are we NOT given more than we can handle with life's daily trials, tribulations, stresses and challenges, but that we are also NOT given more than we can handle in terms of happiness, love, friendship, passion and what I am sure are many other things you all think about?  I believe it takes the same amount of strength, compassion, tenacity, confidence and modesty to handle all that is good in your life as it does to handle the "not so great" in our lives.  Maybe if we did this, we would realize that there is no limit to handling both the good and the bad.  Not to discount the original saying but maybe we are not given more or less than we can handle, maybe this is just life, our journey and every decision, every act, every word spoken or not spoken is truly what creates our ability to work through and handle what ever we are faced with.

This week was a very emotional and tear filled week for me.  I was all over the emotional map and truth be told, I still am.  I was lucky enough to share my time with some very special people and listen, learn, gain insight, offer support and just be their friend.  Each of these wonderful people has a story.  They are all, in some way dealing with so much in their lives.  No more or less than me or you (who ever you are if you are reading this) but it is their journey and they are learning how to cope, work through and triumph.  They are all doing it with such grace and style.  I learned much from them this week.  The lessons I learned are raw and uncomfortable. I learned that while I am a strong and at times a fearless woman, I am scared of much.  I learned that while I am an honest person, I am not always honest about my feelings, my wants and needs with the people I need to be.  I, myself am one of the people I am at times least honest with.  My fears often prevent me from facing the reality that is my journey.  I am scared that if I am truly honest with myself about certain things that the epiphany I am sure to have will not be so pretty.  At the same time, I know that in order for me to continue successfully on this journey I must face that fear and accept what ever the outcome might be.  I also learned, and prepare yourself because its a big one, I am angry at where I find myself sometimes.  I have no one to blame but me, but wish I could place the blame elsewhere.  I often care too much about what others will think about me and my decisions and will judge me.  I often wish for the answers and the easy way out, knowing intellectually that I alone possess the answers and know how to create the path.  This is me and I am human.  For some, I hope that the words I have just written resonate.  I am sure they are the words some of you have also thought but did not want to say out loud because that would make them real.  These are my truths and while not so pretty, impossible to ignore.

So my pledge to myself and those I care about is to begin using my own saying when supporting them.  I will begin to live the mantra that indeed we are not given more than "God or whomever you believe in" thinks that we can handle but that this applies to not only the stresses and hardships in our life but also to all the wonderful things that happen to each of us every day.  Lesson: our ability to handle both hardship and happiness has no boundary; there is no cap on happiness or sadness.  We are all capable of dealing with both and both are equally important in our journey.  I know they are for me.  I created my own hardships this week now it is up to me to create the happiness that I know somewhere, deep down, exists.