Guilt and expectations.....learning how to manage both.

This past week has been quite the emotional roller coaster.  Mother's Day has come and gone (I can assure you that I did not get the Mother of the year award), my daughter has returned home from college, family picnic with my Mom and Father-in-law (yes, them, together as in dating, living in my mom's house. Strange for some but I am getting used to it and will probably devote an entire post to it at some point), kid's school and activities, wrapping up one job and getting prepared to begin a new one (a new career and chapter on my journey) and one of the most emotional, frightening and life affirming events I can remember (since the birth of my children and learning of Tori's Diabetes).  

I received a text message from my friend and neighbor of 11 years late Thursday afternoon (May 10th).  She and her family were in Albany Medical Center as their eldest daughter (22 years old on May 8th) had been admitted and was now fighting for her life.  She was 29 weeks pregnant and was now fighting an infection that had consumed her entire body, was shutting down her organs, requiring her to be placed on a respirator and forced the birth of her baby girl, way to early.

My neighbor's text said very simply, "they just told us that she (her 22 year old daughter) may not make it through the night".  My thoughts raced.  The noise that is a constant in my head (I affectionately refer to it as my Rolodex) had instantly gotten louder.  Shortly  after the text, I received a call from our other close friend.  She quickly said "I am on my way to the hospital, do you want a ride?"  I said no, I needed to shower and would drive down myself.  At that moment, it was not a question of whether our friend wanted us there but how quickly we could get there.  I showered in minutes.  I remember crying in the shower, looking up at the ceiling as if talking to that "higher power" and I remember saying out loud "not on my watch, not today, you will not take her or that baby"  Probably not the correct way to pray, but it was what came out!  

I threw my hair up, put on jeans, a shirt and shoes (not even caring if it all went together) barely put on make up and flew out the door.  This was my friend, my neighbor and it was her daughter, only 2 1/2 years older than my own daughter.  For 11 years, I have watched all the girls grow (my neighbor also has 20 year old twin girls), have sleepovers, argue with each other and their parents, compete in sports, find jobs, have boyfriend issues, proms, dances, birthdays and graduations.  We have spent many evenings together, our family’s playing cards, having BBQs, parties, watching football games and just drinking wine on the porch swing.  Now, she, my friend was sitting numb in a waiting room wondering what the fate of her daughter and granddaughter would be.  My heart broke for her and her family.  

I cried almost the entire 53 minute trip to the hospital, not sure what to do or say when I got there, hoping I would know when I finally saw her.  Upon my arrival I walked through the halls of the hospital with such determination that I am sure those who passed me just stepped out of my way and let me pass out of fear I would run them over.  (It is kind of who I am in times of crisis).  I finally saw my friend, dropped my purse and just hugged her!  No real words spoken.  If I said any, I don't remember what they were. 

Insight - Many times the best thing to do is speak no words, just be there. Just be present!

I sat with the family for hours, the news had not changed and her daughter's condition was still grave.  I was given the opportunity to go in and see their daughter.  (Yes, my first born attributes, my Type A personality, my need to control took over)  I found myself introducing my self to doctor's, asking questions, looking at monitors, asking about her course of treatment.  (Screw the Healthcare privacy act!  I needed information and I needed it now).  Oddly enough not one person asked who I was or how I was related.  They just answered my questions.  (It’s a gift, she says with a wink).  I have been so often told that I am the person anyone would want to have around in a time of crisis.  I will take that as a compliment.  

In the room I saw her.  Not the vibrant, blond haired, blue eyed young woman with a great smile.  She was attached to more tubes and wires than I could count, she was unconscious (for the most part) and a machine was breathing for her.  My brain immediately brought me back to the day of her wedding 7 months earlier. The wedding that I helped to coordinate.  She was a gorgeous bride that day (but what bride isn't) and now, she was, well, not doing well.  Her baby girl, a preemie at 29 weeks weighed a mere 2.8 pounds and was in the NICU, a machine breathing for her too.  I was not leaving until we received good news!

Fast forward one week - Mom and baby are great!!!!!  The new mom improved rapidly.  Taken off most of the wires and tubes that were sustaining her life just a few days ago.  The breathing machine was next!  She is now walking up and down the hallway and has gotten to hold her baby.  The baby, well, she is beautiful, sustaining her weight, now breathing on her own and feisty as hell.  

Insight - Friends are everything.  There is no limit to the power of prayer and the power of friendship.  

This event, this experience coupled with the rest of my week got me thinking again about my journey and the short amount of time we are really given to experience life.

As for Mother's Day, truth be told it was not great.  My children were wonderful, homemade cards and such thoughtful gifts (homemade and store bought).  Bruce made me coffee and breakfast and I was able to continue with the long standing tradition of "breakfast in bed" but the morning was bittersweet knowing I had to get up and go to work in a couple of hours.  I have never had to work on a Mother's Day before.  I know that so many moms out there have to and do, year and year, but for me this was a different experience. 

I was angry I had to go to work.  It didn't feel like Mother's Day.  I arrived at work. (For those of you who don't know me personally, while I was looking for a job, I began bartending at a local tavern near my house).  I arrived on Mother's Day morning to what I thought was going to be a wonderful Mother's Day Brunch.  It was not.  It was a total fiasco and I will leave it at that.  My anger continued to increase.  It was Mother's Day and I was not with my family (who had plans for a nice lunch with all my extended family).  I was missing it!  I also had to leave the family picnic the day before to go to work at the bar.  (Maybe that is where my frustration began).  I am very grateful for the opportunity to work at the tavern and have had a lot of fun doing it but I am not a fan of missing weekend events!  Call me selfish but I didn't like it.  I respect and have compassion for all those who work weekends, nights and all other non-traditional work schedules but it is not for me and I am okay with that.

I was lucky enough to end my work shift early and rushed to the restaurant where the family had started their Mother's Day lunch 45 minutes previous.  My expectations of having a wonderful afternoon were high as my day had started out so badly but somewhere deep inside I knew that setting those expectations would come back to bite me! They did.

As I was driving, I again was angry and felt frustrated.  I arrived late to lunch, I was not happy, there was no room at the table (they made room).  My mom and father-in-law were there (a little awkward), my brothers, my aunt, my kids and husband and yet, all I wanted was to be someplace else!  I told you I was not getting mother of the year!

Why did I want to be someplace else?  Why was I not happy, thankful and grateful?  Why at that moment did I not want to be a mother?  Why did I feel so damn guilty for these feelings Why?  

Insight - Guilt is powerful and often self inflicted.  It is okay to feel indifference toward family at times.  It is okay and perfectly natural to want to check out as a mom every once in a while and one should do that "guilt free".

Guilt is something I know a lot about.  I often feel guilty for the some of choices and decisions I have made through out my life.  Some I regret which is why I am so adamant about living life with NO REGRETS.   

I feel guilty that I did not know enough at 24 when Tori was born and therefore, in my mind, she didn't get everything she deserved from her mom.  I feel guilty that I divorced her biological father when she was so very young and although trying to shield her from ugliness, she saw it.  I feel guilty that she is a diabetic and I can't fix her.  I feel guilty that Tanner and Erin have seen the ugliness of what Diabetes can do, have witnessed the death of family members, the suicide of their grandfather, the divorces of their grandparents and other family members.  I feel guilty that they have witnessed their parents fighting and hearing hurtful words.  I feel guilty that they often put themselves in the role of peacemaker.  I feel guilty that I have spent much of my professional career traveling and leaving them at the door begging me not to go.  But with that, I also feel guilt that there are times I want out.  I don't want to be the mommy, the wife, the glue that holds the family together.  Wow, that is a lot of guilt but as I have learned the hard way, much is self inflicted.  

Insight - You must come to terms with your guilt.  Must be okay knowing you have done your best, if it was your best. Must be okay with your mistakes and feelings.  Must be okay and come to terms with the fact that you are more than just a "mom" or "wife" or a "dad" or "husband".  You are a person, a human being.  You are your own person with wants, needs, desires, dreams and fears.

After all, I was Kathleen (just Kathleen) long before I was any of those things.  Unfortunately, when I was just Kathleen, I did not know who Kathleen was.  I failed to identify and appreciate what made me, "me”.  I believe we all do this.  It is often not until we experience the trials and tribulations that make up our life do we begin to understand who we are and by then, we have allowed those experiences, life decisions, people around us, family and society to determine and define who we are or who we should be (hence, the guilt begins even before we know it is there).

I saw a young woman become a mom for the first time this week.  I thought about how wonderful her experience (albeit starting off a little rocky) would be.  I also began to realize how much I have changed in the 20 years since becoming a mother.  Not in a bad way.  Just different.

I love my children and family (as crazy and dysfunctional as they all are).  I love being a mother even though sometimes I don't want to be.  I love my home although there are many times I don't want to be here.  I am learning that it is okay to want new, exciting and different things in my life and for my future while never compromising my ability to be a mother and love and care for my children.  I am learning not be fearful of change but to embrace it as it is my journey and destiny!

Insight - Guilt is a real feeling but you have the power to control it.  Setting expectations too high for yourself, your family, friends and situations will often times lead to disappointment.  Instead, try not to have too many expectations, just be happy, think positive and be grateful for what you have and get.  Live in the moment!!!

I don't claim to have all the answers and I hope I never do as that would end my desire to continue to learn and life's ability to educate me.  I am happy and proud to know more than I did 20 years ago, 10 years ago, hell, 5 minutes ago.  I am thankful that I am still a sponge, eager to learn life's lessons and all the things that my friends, family and mostly my children teach me every day.  I can only hope that I can return the same education, lessons and insights to them.  I can only hope that I live up to the expectations of those I care so deeply for and never let them down, at least not intentionally.

Life and this journey is all about gaining perspective, making changes, (good or bad), trying new things, not being afraid, meeting new people, LEARNING, making mistakes, making yourself happy so you can make those around you happy. and living your dreams.  

Insight - Strive to make your dreams your reality!!