Thursday, May 17, 2012
Living your journey; insights from a redhead: Guilt and expectations.....learning how to manage ...
Living your journey; insights from a redhead: Guilt and expectations.....learning how to manage ...: This past week has been quite the emotional roller coaster. Mother's Day has come and gone (I can assure you that I did not get the Mothe...
Guilt and expectations.....learning how to manage both.
This past week has been quite the emotional roller coaster.
Mother's Day has come and gone (I can assure you that I did not get the
Mother of the year award), my daughter has returned home from college, family
picnic with my Mom and Father-in-law (yes, them, together as in dating, living
in my mom's house. Strange for some but I am getting used to it and will
probably devote an entire post to it at some point), kid's school and
activities, wrapping up one job and getting prepared to begin a new one (a new career
and chapter on my journey) and one of the most emotional, frightening and life
affirming events I can remember (since the birth of my children and learning of
Tori's Diabetes).
I received a text
message from my friend and neighbor of 11 years late Thursday afternoon (May
10th). She and her family were in Albany Medical
Center
My neighbor's text
said very simply, "they just told us that she (her 22 year old daughter)
may not make it through the night". My thoughts raced. The
noise that is a constant in my head (I affectionately refer to it as
my Rolodex) had instantly gotten louder. Shortly after the text,
I received a call from our other close friend. She quickly said "I
am on my way to the hospital, do you want a ride?" I said no, I
needed to shower and would drive down myself. At that moment, it was not
a question of whether our friend wanted us there but how quickly we could get
there. I showered in minutes. I remember crying in the shower,
looking up at the ceiling as if talking to that "higher power" and I
remember saying out loud "not on my watch, not today, you will not take
her or that baby" Probably not the correct way to pray, but it was
what came out!
I threw my hair
up, put on jeans, a shirt and shoes (not even caring if it all went together)
barely put on make up and flew out the door. This was my friend, my
neighbor and it was her daughter, only 2 1/2 years older than my own daughter.
For 11 years, I have watched all the girls grow (my neighbor also has 20
year old twin girls), have sleepovers, argue with each other and their parents,
compete in sports, find jobs, have boyfriend issues, proms, dances, birthdays
and graduations. We have spent many evenings together, our family’s
playing cards, having BBQs, parties, watching football games and just drinking
wine on the porch swing. Now, she, my friend was sitting numb in a waiting
room wondering what the fate of her daughter and granddaughter would be.
My heart broke for her and her family.
I cried almost the
entire 53 minute trip to the hospital, not sure what to do or say when I got
there, hoping I would know when I finally saw her. Upon my arrival I
walked through the halls of the hospital with such determination that
I am sure those who passed me just stepped out of my way and let me pass out of
fear I would run them over. (It is kind of who I am in times of crisis).
I finally saw my friend, dropped my purse and just hugged her! No
real words spoken. If I said any, I don't remember what they were.
Insight - Many times the best thing to do is speak
no words, just be there. Just be present!
I sat with the
family for hours, the news had not changed and her daughter's condition was
still grave. I was given the opportunity to go in and see their daughter.
(Yes, my first born attributes, my Type A personality, my need to control
took over) I found myself introducing my self to doctor's, asking
questions, looking at monitors, asking about her course of treatment. (Screw the Healthcare privacy act! I needed information and I needed it now). Oddly enough not one person asked who I was or how I was related. They just answered my questions. (It’s a gift, she says with a wink). I have been so often told that I am the person anyone would want to have around in a time of crisis. I will take that as a compliment.
In the room I saw
her. Not the vibrant, blond haired, blue eyed young woman with a great
smile. She was attached to more tubes and wires than I could count, she
was unconscious (for the most part) and a machine was breathing for her.
My brain immediately brought me back to the day of her wedding 7 months
earlier. The wedding that I helped to coordinate. She was a gorgeous bride that
day (but what bride isn't) and now, she was, well, not doing well. Her
baby girl, a preemie at 29 weeks weighed a mere 2.8 pounds and was in the NICU,
a machine breathing for her too. I was not leaving until we received good
news!
Fast forward one
week - Mom and baby are great!!!!! The new mom improved rapidly.
Taken off most of the wires and tubes that were sustaining her life just
a few days ago. The breathing machine was next! She is now walking
up and down the hallway and has gotten to hold her baby. The baby, well,
she is beautiful, sustaining her weight, now breathing on her own and feisty as
hell.
Insight - Friends are everything. There is
no limit to the power of prayer and the power of friendship.
This event, this
experience coupled with the rest of my week got me thinking again about my
journey and the short amount of time we are really given to experience life.
As for Mother's
Day, truth be told it was not great. My children were wonderful, homemade
cards and such thoughtful gifts (homemade and store bought). Bruce made
me coffee and breakfast and I was able to continue with the long standing
tradition of "breakfast in bed" but the morning was bittersweet
knowing I had to get up and go to work in a couple of hours. I have never
had to work on a Mother's Day before. I know that so many moms out there
have to and do, year and year, but for me this was a different
experience.
I was angry I had
to go to work. It didn't feel like Mother's Day. I arrived at work.
(For those of you who don't know me personally, while I was looking for a job,
I began bartending at a local tavern near my house). I arrived on Mother's
Day morning to what I thought was going to be a wonderful Mother's Day Brunch.
It was not. It was a total fiasco and I will leave it at that.
My anger continued to increase. It was Mother's Day and I was not
with my family (who had plans for a nice lunch with all my extended family).
I was missing it! I also had to leave the family picnic the day
before to go to work at the bar. (Maybe that is where my frustration
began). I am very grateful for the opportunity to work at the tavern and
have had a lot of fun doing it but I am not a fan of missing weekend events!
Call me selfish but I didn't like it. I respect and have compassion
for all those who work weekends, nights and all other non-traditional work
schedules but it is not for me and I am okay with that.
I was lucky enough
to end my work shift early and rushed to the restaurant where the family
had started their Mother's Day lunch 45 minutes previous. My expectations
of having a wonderful afternoon were high as my day had started out so badly but somewhere deep inside I knew that
setting those expectations would come back to bite me! They did.
As I was driving,
I again was angry and felt frustrated. I arrived late to lunch, I was not
happy, there was no room at the table (they made room). My mom and
father-in-law were there (a little awkward), my brothers, my aunt, my kids and
husband and yet, all I wanted was to be someplace else! I told you I was not
getting mother of the year!
Why did I want to
be someplace else? Why was I not happy, thankful and grateful? Why
at that moment did I not want to be a mother? Why did I feel so damn
guilty for these feelings Why?
Insight - Guilt is powerful and often self
inflicted. It is okay to feel indifference toward family at times.
It is okay and perfectly natural to want to check out as a mom every once
in a while and one should do that "guilt free".
Guilt is something
I know a lot about. I often feel guilty for the some of choices and
decisions I have made through out my life. Some I regret which is why I am
so adamant about living life with NO REGRETS.
I feel guilty that I did
not know enough at 24 when Tori was born and therefore, in my mind, she didn't
get everything she deserved from her mom. I feel guilty that I divorced
her biological father when she was so very young and although trying to shield
her from ugliness, she saw it. I feel guilty that she is a diabetic and I
can't fix her. I feel guilty that Tanner and Erin have seen the ugliness
of what Diabetes can do, have witnessed the death of family members, the
suicide of their grandfather, the divorces of their grandparents and other
family members. I feel guilty that they have witnessed their parents
fighting and hearing hurtful words. I feel guilty that they often put
themselves in the role of peacemaker. I feel guilty that I have spent
much of my professional career traveling and leaving them at the door begging
me not to go. But with that, I also feel guilt that there are times I
want out. I don't want to be the mommy, the wife, the glue that holds the
family together. Wow, that is a lot of guilt but as I have learned the
hard way, much is self inflicted.
Insight - You must come to terms with your guilt.
Must be okay knowing you have done your best, if it was your best. Must
be okay with your mistakes and feelings. Must be okay and come to terms
with the fact that you are more than just a "mom" or "wife"
or a "dad" or "husband". You are a person, a human being. You are your own
person with wants, needs, desires, dreams and fears.
After all, I was
Kathleen (just Kathleen) long before I was any of those things.
Unfortunately, when I was just Kathleen, I did not know who Kathleen was.
I failed to identify and appreciate what made me, "me”. I
believe we all do this. It is often not until we experience the trials
and tribulations that make up our life do we begin to understand who we are and by
then, we have allowed those experiences, life decisions, people around us,
family and society to determine and define who we are or who we should be (hence,
the guilt begins even before we know it is there).
I saw a young
woman become a mom for the first time this week. I thought about how wonderful
her experience (albeit starting off a little rocky) would be. I also
began to realize how much I have changed in the 20 years since becoming a
mother. Not in a bad way. Just different.
I love my children
and family (as crazy and dysfunctional as they all are). I love
being a mother even though sometimes I don't want to be. I love my home
although there are many times I don't want to be here. I am learning that
it is okay to want new, exciting and different things in my life and for my
future while never compromising my ability to be a mother and love and care for
my children. I am learning not be fearful of change but to embrace it as
it is my journey and destiny!
Insight - Guilt is a real feeling but you have the
power to control it. Setting expectations too high for yourself, your
family, friends and situations will often times lead to
disappointment. Instead, try not to have too many expectations, just be
happy, think positive and be grateful for what you have and get. Live in
the moment!!!
I don't claim to
have all the answers and I hope I never do as that would end my desire to
continue to learn and life's ability to educate me. I am happy and proud
to know more than I did 20 years ago, 10 years ago, hell, 5 minutes ago.
I am thankful that I am still a sponge, eager to learn life's lessons and
all the things that my friends, family and mostly my children teach me every
day. I can only hope that I can return the same education, lessons and
insights to them. I can only hope that I live up to the expectations of
those I care so deeply for and never let them down, at least not intentionally.
Life and this
journey is all about gaining perspective, making changes, (good or bad), trying
new things, not being afraid, meeting new people, LEARNING, making mistakes, making yourself happy so you can make those around you happy. and living your
dreams.
Insight - Strive to make your dreams your reality!!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Reflecting on a rainy Tuesday.......
If I have learned anything in the past 4 years (since joining the 40s club) it is that one MUST take the time to reflect. Now today I am not talking about reflecting upon your whole life, that's a pretty big task and one that I hope each of us does periodically. I am talking about taking time to reflect on the little things. The previous week, the people you met and interacted with, the conversations you had, the things you said (or didn't say) and why. The lessons you have learned, the impact you think you had on the people around you. What made you laugh and smile and what made you sad and cry. These are the many things I am reflecting upon today, as I sit in my PJs (at 11am) in front of my keyboard, eating veggie chips and dip (cut me some slack, at least its not ice cream and M&Ms).
So first thing is first...it is so okay to pick a day and never get out of your Pjs. I did not realize this until recently and even now struggle conceptually with this. I have always be on the go. Never resting, never taking more than 10 minutes to sit and relax. No, I don't always stop and smell the roses or in my case, the lilacs, but I am now!! Sleep, well that is a foreign concept to me most of the time. Recently however, I am finding it easier and easier to relax, to rest and yes, nap.
The Nap. Until recently, I can't remember the last time I consciously laid down, during the day and closed my eyes. We are all forced to take naps as children yet we fight it every moment. I can remember fighting my own Mother's request for me to take a nap (it was really not a request, I was forced to a kid) and hating that she made me lay down when I was not tired. I don't remember when it was that I realized I had wasted so many opportunities for a good nap. Today however I believe you will all agree with me when I say that we WISH someone would force us to take a nap.
As I said, I was never a person who could nap, until recently. You may chalk it up to the fact that my body and mind is older and needs more rest so just out of self preservation, I am inclined to take the occasional nap. I, however believe that it is just me becoming comfortable with the idea that I am not perfect, I don't need to prove how high energy and efficient I am (god I just sounded like a Whirlpool washing machine commercial) and there is really no glory, prizes or awards for being the person that can function on less than 6 hours of sleep every night. I'd like to call it wisdom that has come with age.
Yesterday for example, I took a nap. Granted it was only about 25 minutes, (and I did work late nights all weekend) but it was in the middle of the afternoon and I did not feel guilty for a moment. My family will tell you that is huge progress for me.
As I reflect on the last week or so, I am reminded of how much I have learned about me, my life, the people I surround myself with, the journey I am on and what is and will make me happy. As I reflect on all that has happened to me I find myself reciting the saying "everything happens for a reason" As I repeat these words, I also find myself questioning the use of this phrase. It is so often used when trying to make a person feel better about an unfortunate event or situation. You have heard me speak of this concept before. The fact that we as people tend to dwell on the negative and try to validate why "these things" happen and to try to make the person feel better by indicating that there is a greater reason or purpose. I say that this is crap.
Yes of course everything happens for a reason, if there was no reason, than why would it happen. It is life, it is what we signed up for the day we took our first breath.
But don't tell me that by telling a person who has just lost a child, gone through a separation or divorce, lost a job or did not get the job they "really wanted" (I speak of personal experience here), received a bad medical diagnosis, lost a friend, or is just having a bad day, that "Everything Happens for a Reason"
News Flash - it really does not help!!!
When bad things happen in a person's life they want to cope in their own way. While we all appreciate and welcome support, often we must go through it "our way". We must come to terms with it and validate it on our own.
We might want to be angry (inwardly or outwardly), we want to yell, retreat to a quiet place, internalize or just scream at the world. We want to be allowed to say "It is not fair" and "I wish it did not happen to me or my loved ones" At that moment, we really are not thinking about what the reason, what the purpose is or what a higher power may have in store for us!
I am speaking of not only my own personal experiences but also the experiences of some of my closest and dearest friends and of course my family. My friends have lost children too soon (just senseless), they continue to deal with medical diagnoses of their children that might yet again change the course of their life. (the worry is indescribable). Some of those I care so deeply about have had health scares, (life changing). I have watched a dear friend's husband, a young healthy, vibrant father of three, battle yet again with cancer (unfair). My own daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes five years ago and not a moment goes by that I don't worry. I have lost a parent to suicide, I have been through divorce, I have lost a job that I enjoyed and have been turned down for what I believed to be the perfect job. I have experienced other challenges that I am sure you can all relate to and yet I cannot seem to fathom the reasons for these things. Yes, yes I know, we would not be the person we are today if not for the experiences and adversity we all face....I get that, yet I still cannot seem to apply the "Everything happens for a reason" mantra to so many of these things.
I have yet to find purpose or meaning in the death of my step father or in the Diabetes diagnosis of my daughter. I have yet to arrive at a rational conclusion as to why my friend, my "split apart at birth" as we affectionately refer to each other, lost her daughter at age 13 and why her son must continue to struggle with the same disease that took his sister (FUCF, I couldn't resist the opportunity and for those of you who know me or her story, you get this).
The stories are endless and yet, the reasons are few. Yet, through all I my own experiences and those of the people I love and care about, we still find happiness, reasons to smile, laugh and live!
My very dear friend "M" rarely uses the "Everything happens for a reason" phrase, rather she uses what I would consider a much more life applicable phrase. "There are no coincidences" I have come to learn that this is an ambiguous, subjective, multi-functional phrase that still allows for hope, a little mystery and gives people the chance to just accept what they are dealing with for what it is to them at the time. No reason, no validation, just "it is what it is".
I have rarely heard people say to others "Everything happens for a reason" during times of great happiness, elation and good news, although I am sure it has happened. But, to tell someone in good times and bad that "there are no coincidences", this allows them to see their situation as they wish and stop trying to figure out why something happened or what the future will bring as a result.
This week for me has been amazing. I finally got that job I wanted and worked hard for. I saw people celebrate some of the most precious things we can, birthdays (another day to continue their journey). I shared good news with friends and family, I watched as friends enjoyed special days and times with their loved ones, I spent time with very special people in my life. I made memories with the moments I spent with my own family and children. I met new people, I learned that just a smile (my smile) can have a positive impact, even more than words and I took the time to reach out to these I have not spoken with in a while just to let them know I was thinking of them. I took time by myself to rest and reflect, I exercised as I always do but also took time to enjoy some wine and good food! I said prayers for those who needed them and I gave thanks for all they I have been blessed with. Most important, I continued to be honest with myself and those around me about my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my sadness and my journey.
Although my week was filled with so many positive and good things, there were still those days and times that tested my strength, tested my faith, my parenting skills, and my confidence and yet, I survived. I came away with a few very important lessons:
So as I reflect on this past week and all the wonderful things I did, the amazing people I spent time with, the conversations I had, I am reminded so vividly that truly there are "No Coincidences".
So first thing is first...it is so okay to pick a day and never get out of your Pjs. I did not realize this until recently and even now struggle conceptually with this. I have always be on the go. Never resting, never taking more than 10 minutes to sit and relax. No, I don't always stop and smell the roses or in my case, the lilacs, but I am now!! Sleep, well that is a foreign concept to me most of the time. Recently however, I am finding it easier and easier to relax, to rest and yes, nap.
The Nap. Until recently, I can't remember the last time I consciously laid down, during the day and closed my eyes. We are all forced to take naps as children yet we fight it every moment. I can remember fighting my own Mother's request for me to take a nap (it was really not a request, I was forced to a kid) and hating that she made me lay down when I was not tired. I don't remember when it was that I realized I had wasted so many opportunities for a good nap. Today however I believe you will all agree with me when I say that we WISH someone would force us to take a nap.
As I said, I was never a person who could nap, until recently. You may chalk it up to the fact that my body and mind is older and needs more rest so just out of self preservation, I am inclined to take the occasional nap. I, however believe that it is just me becoming comfortable with the idea that I am not perfect, I don't need to prove how high energy and efficient I am (god I just sounded like a Whirlpool washing machine commercial) and there is really no glory, prizes or awards for being the person that can function on less than 6 hours of sleep every night. I'd like to call it wisdom that has come with age.
Yesterday for example, I took a nap. Granted it was only about 25 minutes, (and I did work late nights all weekend) but it was in the middle of the afternoon and I did not feel guilty for a moment. My family will tell you that is huge progress for me.
As I reflect on the last week or so, I am reminded of how much I have learned about me, my life, the people I surround myself with, the journey I am on and what is and will make me happy. As I reflect on all that has happened to me I find myself reciting the saying "everything happens for a reason" As I repeat these words, I also find myself questioning the use of this phrase. It is so often used when trying to make a person feel better about an unfortunate event or situation. You have heard me speak of this concept before. The fact that we as people tend to dwell on the negative and try to validate why "these things" happen and to try to make the person feel better by indicating that there is a greater reason or purpose. I say that this is crap.
Yes of course everything happens for a reason, if there was no reason, than why would it happen. It is life, it is what we signed up for the day we took our first breath.
But don't tell me that by telling a person who has just lost a child, gone through a separation or divorce, lost a job or did not get the job they "really wanted" (I speak of personal experience here), received a bad medical diagnosis, lost a friend, or is just having a bad day, that "Everything Happens for a Reason"
News Flash - it really does not help!!!
When bad things happen in a person's life they want to cope in their own way. While we all appreciate and welcome support, often we must go through it "our way". We must come to terms with it and validate it on our own.
We might want to be angry (inwardly or outwardly), we want to yell, retreat to a quiet place, internalize or just scream at the world. We want to be allowed to say "It is not fair" and "I wish it did not happen to me or my loved ones" At that moment, we really are not thinking about what the reason, what the purpose is or what a higher power may have in store for us!
I am speaking of not only my own personal experiences but also the experiences of some of my closest and dearest friends and of course my family. My friends have lost children too soon (just senseless), they continue to deal with medical diagnoses of their children that might yet again change the course of their life. (the worry is indescribable). Some of those I care so deeply about have had health scares, (life changing). I have watched a dear friend's husband, a young healthy, vibrant father of three, battle yet again with cancer (unfair). My own daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes five years ago and not a moment goes by that I don't worry. I have lost a parent to suicide, I have been through divorce, I have lost a job that I enjoyed and have been turned down for what I believed to be the perfect job. I have experienced other challenges that I am sure you can all relate to and yet I cannot seem to fathom the reasons for these things. Yes, yes I know, we would not be the person we are today if not for the experiences and adversity we all face....I get that, yet I still cannot seem to apply the "Everything happens for a reason" mantra to so many of these things.
I have yet to find purpose or meaning in the death of my step father or in the Diabetes diagnosis of my daughter. I have yet to arrive at a rational conclusion as to why my friend, my "split apart at birth" as we affectionately refer to each other, lost her daughter at age 13 and why her son must continue to struggle with the same disease that took his sister (FUCF, I couldn't resist the opportunity and for those of you who know me or her story, you get this).
The stories are endless and yet, the reasons are few. Yet, through all I my own experiences and those of the people I love and care about, we still find happiness, reasons to smile, laugh and live!
My very dear friend "M" rarely uses the "Everything happens for a reason" phrase, rather she uses what I would consider a much more life applicable phrase. "There are no coincidences" I have come to learn that this is an ambiguous, subjective, multi-functional phrase that still allows for hope, a little mystery and gives people the chance to just accept what they are dealing with for what it is to them at the time. No reason, no validation, just "it is what it is".
I have rarely heard people say to others "Everything happens for a reason" during times of great happiness, elation and good news, although I am sure it has happened. But, to tell someone in good times and bad that "there are no coincidences", this allows them to see their situation as they wish and stop trying to figure out why something happened or what the future will bring as a result.
This week for me has been amazing. I finally got that job I wanted and worked hard for. I saw people celebrate some of the most precious things we can, birthdays (another day to continue their journey). I shared good news with friends and family, I watched as friends enjoyed special days and times with their loved ones, I spent time with very special people in my life. I made memories with the moments I spent with my own family and children. I met new people, I learned that just a smile (my smile) can have a positive impact, even more than words and I took the time to reach out to these I have not spoken with in a while just to let them know I was thinking of them. I took time by myself to rest and reflect, I exercised as I always do but also took time to enjoy some wine and good food! I said prayers for those who needed them and I gave thanks for all they I have been blessed with. Most important, I continued to be honest with myself and those around me about my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my sadness and my journey.
Although my week was filled with so many positive and good things, there were still those days and times that tested my strength, tested my faith, my parenting skills, and my confidence and yet, I survived. I came away with a few very important lessons:
- Rest and nap when you can and sleep in
- Stay in your PJs all day, at least every few months
- Eat what you want every once in a while
- Drink wine!!!!
- Be vulnerable, its okay
- Be sorry when you are and not because you think you have to
- Except you are not perfect, because you are not
- Accept that what you want and what you have could be very different things
- Don't be afraid to be truthful even if it may hurt, but be compassionate always
- It is ok to be angry and use less than appropriate language (know your audience though) ;-)
- Say what you mean; and most important;
- Do what makes you happy and is enjoyable, you only have one life, one journey and so little time to make them amazing!!!!
So as I reflect on this past week and all the wonderful things I did, the amazing people I spent time with, the conversations I had, I am reminded so vividly that truly there are "No Coincidences".
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Riding the emotional roller coaster, try it, it is a rush!
Today, this morning, I am lying in bed, looking out the window of my daughter's 5th floor college dormitory room. Unfortunately the rain and fog are preventing me from seeing what I know to be the beautiful and breathtaking lake her dorm overlooks.
Why am I in a dorm room with my daughter and her roommate you might be asking? (Remember it is 9am EST and they are still sleeping as this is college and sleeping in on a Tuesday morning is socially acceptable) First and really the only reasons necessary are that she is my daughter and asked if I would come for a visit. It is the week before finals and she missed me. Yeah like that took more than a New York minute to decide to come for a visit!
I would have also stayed in a hotel as I am sure most parents would have, but she asked me to stay in her room. So here I find myself, laying next to my daughter, as she sleeps (can't remember the last time I did that) knowing she is 19 years old but feeling like she is 9. I begin to get a little emotional.
I look around the room and see, what I would initially define as a mess, and plethora of 19 year old college girl paraphernalia. Clothes, shoes, makeup, nail polish (why do 2 girls need 30 different nail polish colors at college?), glasses (of the adult beverage nature), cups, bowls, cleaning supplies (although I am not sure they are used often), electric hair styling devices, posters, pictures, Christmas lights, food and oh yes, what looks to be at least some educational books, papers, and a computer (phew, I was worried about what my tuition money was actually buying). Many may see a mess, as did I at first glance, but after arriving last night and hearing her tell me how she cleaned, changed the sheets and prepared for my visit, well suddenly it looks very clean!
As I sit here and write, I am again feeling emotional. As a mom, as a woman and a person. So much has changed since I went to college 25+ years ago and yet nothing has changed. So much has changed in my daughter's 19 years and yet nothing has changed. She may be older, more mature, away from me and have a few more tattoos and piercings than she did when she was 9 years old, but she is still that little girl I remember.
I am thinking about how we spent our night. Dinner together, time in her dorm sharing stories with the friends she invited over to meet me. I feel blessed by the notion that this is a turning point in our relationship as she asked me to be there and chose to spend a quiet, subdued Monday night sharing wine and visiting with her mom. Again another wave of emotion falls over me.
She cleaned her room for my visit, gave up her bed for me and slept on the floor, told me about all her life and the boys. She revealed her money concerns and yet never once asked me for money, rather said, no worries, I got it covered. She shared a part of her life that I don't often see and I was proud to see the person she has become! Emotional, yes, blessed and thankful.....so much!!
Now I am sure upon my departure she will return to her normal college routine which includes her on- campus job, parties, downtown, pizza, wings, the occasional alcoholic beverage (wincing as I write those words), boys and hopefully classes and studying but I will remember how absolutely pleasant and fun she made my visit.
This brings me to the reason I write today. Emotions. The things our brain has us feel about the situations we face, the people we meet, know and deal with every day. The experiences we have. Simply put, how we feel about our life and our journey every day!
I am often so amazed and perplexed by the range of emotions one can feel day to day, week to week. I can honestly say there are days when I lose count of the different emotions I feel.
As people, as human beings, we have been given the gift of emotion and feeling. Although at times it may feel like a curse, in the end it is a gift. Although at time we believe it necessary to suppress those emotions and feeling, I say embrace them. They are just one more way of understanding who you are as a person.
We are also given the gift and opportunity to decide what to do with those emotions and feelings (or not do) when we have them. Last week, as those who read my blog know, was not such a great emotional week for me. The week itself was not bad. No one got hurt, no one I love found themselves in trouble, there were no catastrophic events that would have drastically changed the course of my life, but from an emotional standpoint, it was, well less than desirable. That has all changed in a matter of days and this week I find myself riding an emotional high! I find myself giving thanks for all the amazing and positive things I have and feeling blessed.
That is the funny thing about emotions, they can be and often are the things that cause us the most distress. They can distract us immensely from the day to day tasks we must do. They can feel devastating and can often derail us from our journey, our goals.
Emotions, however are two fold. They are also the things that allow us to feel happy. Feel elation when something wonderful has happened. They allow us to forget what is upsetting us when our emotions are running high and we are feeling positive. At that moment all seems right with the world. And then, smack, in the blink of an eye, in what seems to be a flash of light, with no warning, emotions can change. Something happens, something is said (or not said), you hear information or read news and just like the brain goes into over drive and you begin to process and feel something different than you did 1 minute ago.
Emotions are and always will be just like a roller coaster. Whether you are a fan of coasters or not (I am....can't get enough of them) you know the feeling I am talking about. Happy, sad, anticipation, fear, angry, elated, frustrated, exhilarated (too many to mention), that wave you can physically feel in your stomach and throughout your body. That feeling that takes your breath away momentarily and makes your brain a little hazy. Whether you are riding an actual roller coaster or just a proverbial emotional roller coaster, it is always a rush.
I am intrigued about how my own emotional roller coaster effects my life and decisions everyday. I look back on some of the decisions I have made, the things I have said and the paths I have taken and really so many of them were made based upon my emotional state at the time and not the smart person I am or the data I had at that time. Why do we do this? Why do we allow our emotional state of mind to drive so much of our life? Reflecting, I believe it is because at the time, at that very moment, the emotions we are feeling are so strong, so powerful, that your brain struggles to process what you intellectually know, with what your emotions or heart are making you feel. So often it is our heart that wins the struggle. It wins because we are for the most part idealists. We are dreamers. We are a people that make choices and decisions based upon what we want and hope will happen and not what our intellectual brains are telling us should and will happen. It is a constant internal struggle and one that "our emotions" so often win.
I am not a medical doctor, nor am I an educated, trained psychologist or psychiatrist, but I am sure there are very specific medical terms, reasons, definitions for what I am describing but for me, the average person, living my journey it has become clear that while my emotions can and most often do get the best of me they have served me very well for the last 44 years. There are not many things I regret and only sometimes do I look back wishing I had done something different. You see on this journey my ultimate goal is to regret little, live every day to it's fullest potential and never look back and say "I wish I had......" That to me is success!
Through this time of reflection I have also learned that moving forward I must work harder to allow my brain, my intellectual side, the smart person to drive more of my decisions. Now that is not to say that emotions should not have that power and control they do but for me, they both need to be more balanced. You see, one of my lessons learned recently is that even after experiencing some of the same outcomes from decisions I have made emotionally, I often, knowing what will happen, repeat history. This, in it of itself baffles me. Now that I have identified this, I will need to work hard at it daily. But, again, I must remember, we are all human, living our journey the best way we can.
While I will work hard to create a better balance between my brain (and what I know to be true) and my heart (want I want and wish to be true) I will continue to ride the wave of my emotions and let those emotions drive my decisions (within reason!), create my paths and allow me to really live my journey. While sometimes I experience emotions that make me feel sad or angry, It is the happiness, joy, satisfaction, thankful and blessed feelings I get from most of my emotions, most of the time that have me looking forward to each new day and excited for where my journey will bring me.
Why am I in a dorm room with my daughter and her roommate you might be asking? (Remember it is 9am EST and they are still sleeping as this is college and sleeping in on a Tuesday morning is socially acceptable) First and really the only reasons necessary are that she is my daughter and asked if I would come for a visit. It is the week before finals and she missed me. Yeah like that took more than a New York minute to decide to come for a visit!
I would have also stayed in a hotel as I am sure most parents would have, but she asked me to stay in her room. So here I find myself, laying next to my daughter, as she sleeps (can't remember the last time I did that) knowing she is 19 years old but feeling like she is 9. I begin to get a little emotional.
I look around the room and see, what I would initially define as a mess, and plethora of 19 year old college girl paraphernalia. Clothes, shoes, makeup, nail polish (why do 2 girls need 30 different nail polish colors at college?), glasses (of the adult beverage nature), cups, bowls, cleaning supplies (although I am not sure they are used often), electric hair styling devices, posters, pictures, Christmas lights, food and oh yes, what looks to be at least some educational books, papers, and a computer (phew, I was worried about what my tuition money was actually buying). Many may see a mess, as did I at first glance, but after arriving last night and hearing her tell me how she cleaned, changed the sheets and prepared for my visit, well suddenly it looks very clean!
As I sit here and write, I am again feeling emotional. As a mom, as a woman and a person. So much has changed since I went to college 25+ years ago and yet nothing has changed. So much has changed in my daughter's 19 years and yet nothing has changed. She may be older, more mature, away from me and have a few more tattoos and piercings than she did when she was 9 years old, but she is still that little girl I remember.
I am thinking about how we spent our night. Dinner together, time in her dorm sharing stories with the friends she invited over to meet me. I feel blessed by the notion that this is a turning point in our relationship as she asked me to be there and chose to spend a quiet, subdued Monday night sharing wine and visiting with her mom. Again another wave of emotion falls over me.
She cleaned her room for my visit, gave up her bed for me and slept on the floor, told me about all her life and the boys. She revealed her money concerns and yet never once asked me for money, rather said, no worries, I got it covered. She shared a part of her life that I don't often see and I was proud to see the person she has become! Emotional, yes, blessed and thankful.....so much!!
Now I am sure upon my departure she will return to her normal college routine which includes her on- campus job, parties, downtown, pizza, wings, the occasional alcoholic beverage (wincing as I write those words), boys and hopefully classes and studying but I will remember how absolutely pleasant and fun she made my visit.
This brings me to the reason I write today. Emotions. The things our brain has us feel about the situations we face, the people we meet, know and deal with every day. The experiences we have. Simply put, how we feel about our life and our journey every day!
I am often so amazed and perplexed by the range of emotions one can feel day to day, week to week. I can honestly say there are days when I lose count of the different emotions I feel.
As people, as human beings, we have been given the gift of emotion and feeling. Although at times it may feel like a curse, in the end it is a gift. Although at time we believe it necessary to suppress those emotions and feeling, I say embrace them. They are just one more way of understanding who you are as a person.
We are also given the gift and opportunity to decide what to do with those emotions and feelings (or not do) when we have them. Last week, as those who read my blog know, was not such a great emotional week for me. The week itself was not bad. No one got hurt, no one I love found themselves in trouble, there were no catastrophic events that would have drastically changed the course of my life, but from an emotional standpoint, it was, well less than desirable. That has all changed in a matter of days and this week I find myself riding an emotional high! I find myself giving thanks for all the amazing and positive things I have and feeling blessed.
That is the funny thing about emotions, they can be and often are the things that cause us the most distress. They can distract us immensely from the day to day tasks we must do. They can feel devastating and can often derail us from our journey, our goals.
Emotions, however are two fold. They are also the things that allow us to feel happy. Feel elation when something wonderful has happened. They allow us to forget what is upsetting us when our emotions are running high and we are feeling positive. At that moment all seems right with the world. And then, smack, in the blink of an eye, in what seems to be a flash of light, with no warning, emotions can change. Something happens, something is said (or not said), you hear information or read news and just like the brain goes into over drive and you begin to process and feel something different than you did 1 minute ago.
Emotions are and always will be just like a roller coaster. Whether you are a fan of coasters or not (I am....can't get enough of them) you know the feeling I am talking about. Happy, sad, anticipation, fear, angry, elated, frustrated, exhilarated (too many to mention), that wave you can physically feel in your stomach and throughout your body. That feeling that takes your breath away momentarily and makes your brain a little hazy. Whether you are riding an actual roller coaster or just a proverbial emotional roller coaster, it is always a rush.
I am intrigued about how my own emotional roller coaster effects my life and decisions everyday. I look back on some of the decisions I have made, the things I have said and the paths I have taken and really so many of them were made based upon my emotional state at the time and not the smart person I am or the data I had at that time. Why do we do this? Why do we allow our emotional state of mind to drive so much of our life? Reflecting, I believe it is because at the time, at that very moment, the emotions we are feeling are so strong, so powerful, that your brain struggles to process what you intellectually know, with what your emotions or heart are making you feel. So often it is our heart that wins the struggle. It wins because we are for the most part idealists. We are dreamers. We are a people that make choices and decisions based upon what we want and hope will happen and not what our intellectual brains are telling us should and will happen. It is a constant internal struggle and one that "our emotions" so often win.
I am not a medical doctor, nor am I an educated, trained psychologist or psychiatrist, but I am sure there are very specific medical terms, reasons, definitions for what I am describing but for me, the average person, living my journey it has become clear that while my emotions can and most often do get the best of me they have served me very well for the last 44 years. There are not many things I regret and only sometimes do I look back wishing I had done something different. You see on this journey my ultimate goal is to regret little, live every day to it's fullest potential and never look back and say "I wish I had......" That to me is success!
Through this time of reflection I have also learned that moving forward I must work harder to allow my brain, my intellectual side, the smart person to drive more of my decisions. Now that is not to say that emotions should not have that power and control they do but for me, they both need to be more balanced. You see, one of my lessons learned recently is that even after experiencing some of the same outcomes from decisions I have made emotionally, I often, knowing what will happen, repeat history. This, in it of itself baffles me. Now that I have identified this, I will need to work hard at it daily. But, again, I must remember, we are all human, living our journey the best way we can.
While I will work hard to create a better balance between my brain (and what I know to be true) and my heart (want I want and wish to be true) I will continue to ride the wave of my emotions and let those emotions drive my decisions (within reason!), create my paths and allow me to really live my journey. While sometimes I experience emotions that make me feel sad or angry, It is the happiness, joy, satisfaction, thankful and blessed feelings I get from most of my emotions, most of the time that have me looking forward to each new day and excited for where my journey will bring me.
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