Reflecting on a rainy Tuesday.......

If I have learned anything in the past 4 years (since joining the 40s club) it is that one MUST take the time to reflect.  Now today I am not talking about reflecting upon your whole life, that's a pretty big task and one that I hope each of us does periodically.  I am talking about taking time to reflect on the little things.  The previous week, the people you met and interacted with, the conversations you had, the things you said (or didn't say) and why.  The lessons you have learned, the impact you think you had on the people around you.  What made you laugh and smile and what made you sad and cry.  These are the many things I am reflecting upon today, as I sit in my PJs (at 11am) in front of my keyboard, eating veggie chips and dip (cut me some slack, at least its not ice cream and M&Ms).

So first thing is first...it is so okay to pick a day and never get out of your Pjs.  I did not realize this until recently and even now struggle conceptually with this.  I have always be on the go.  Never resting, never taking more than 10 minutes to sit and relax.  No, I don't always stop and smell the roses or in my case, the lilacs, but I am now!!  Sleep, well that is a foreign concept to me most of the time.  Recently however, I am finding it easier and easier to relax, to rest and yes, nap.

The Nap.  Until recently, I can't remember the last time I consciously laid down, during the day and closed my eyes.  We are all forced to take naps as children yet we fight it every moment.  I can remember fighting my own Mother's request for me to take a nap (it was really not a request, I was forced to a kid) and hating that she made me lay down when I was not tired.  I don't remember when it was that I realized I had wasted so many opportunities for a good nap.  Today however I believe you will all agree with me when I say that we WISH someone would force us to take a nap.

As I said, I was never a person who could nap, until recently.  You may chalk it up to the fact that my body and mind is older and needs more rest so just out of self preservation, I am inclined to take the occasional nap.  I, however believe that it is just me becoming comfortable with the idea that I am not perfect, I don't need to prove how high energy and efficient I am (god I just sounded like a Whirlpool washing machine commercial) and there is really no glory, prizes or awards for being the person that can function on less than 6 hours of sleep every night.  I'd like to call it wisdom that has come with age.

Yesterday for example, I took a nap.  Granted it was only about 25 minutes, (and I did work late nights all weekend) but it was in the middle of the afternoon and I did not feel guilty for a moment.  My family will tell you that is huge progress for me.

As I reflect on the last week or so, I am reminded of how much I have learned about me, my life, the people I surround myself with, the journey I am on and what is and will make me happy.  As I reflect on all that has happened to me I find myself reciting the saying "everything happens for a reason"  As I repeat these words, I also find myself questioning the use of this phrase.  It is so often used when trying to make a person feel better about an unfortunate event or situation.  You have heard me speak of this concept before.  The fact that we as people tend to dwell on the negative and try to validate why "these things" happen and to try to make the person feel better by indicating that there is a greater reason or purpose.  I say that this is crap.

Yes of course everything happens for a reason, if there was no reason, than why would it happen.  It is life, it is what we signed up for the day we took our first breath.

But don't tell me that by telling a person who has just lost a child, gone through a separation or divorce, lost a job or did not get the job they "really wanted" (I speak of personal experience here), received a bad medical diagnosis, lost a friend, or is just having a bad day, that "Everything Happens for a Reason"

News Flash - it really does not help!!!

When bad things happen in a person's life they want to cope in their own way.  While we all appreciate and welcome support, often we must go through it "our way".  We must come to terms with it and validate it on our own.

We might want to be angry (inwardly or outwardly), we want to yell, retreat to a quiet place, internalize or just scream at the world.  We want to be allowed to say "It is not fair" and "I wish it did not happen to me or my loved ones"  At that moment, we really are not thinking about what the reason, what the purpose is or what a higher power may have in store for us!

I am speaking of not only my own personal experiences but also the experiences of some of my closest and dearest friends and of course my family.  My friends have lost children too soon (just senseless), they continue to deal with medical diagnoses of their children that might yet again change the course of their life. (the worry is indescribable).  Some of those I care so deeply about have had health scares, (life changing).  I have watched a dear friend's husband, a young healthy, vibrant father of three, battle yet again with cancer (unfair).  My own daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes five years ago and not a moment goes by that I don't worry.  I have lost a parent to suicide, I have been through divorce, I have lost a job that I enjoyed and have been turned down for what I believed to be the perfect job.  I have experienced other challenges that I am sure you can all relate to and yet I cannot seem to fathom the reasons for these things.  Yes, yes I know, we would not be the person we are today if not for the experiences and adversity we all face....I get that, yet I still cannot seem to apply the "Everything happens for a reason" mantra to so many of these things.

I have yet to find purpose or meaning in the death of my step father or in the Diabetes diagnosis of my daughter.  I have yet to arrive at a rational conclusion as to why my friend, my "split apart at birth" as we affectionately refer to each other, lost her daughter at age 13 and why her son must continue to struggle with the same disease that took his sister (FUCF, I couldn't resist the opportunity and for those of you who know me or her story, you get this).

The stories are endless and yet, the reasons are few.  Yet, through all I my own experiences and those of the people I love and care about, we still find happiness, reasons to smile, laugh and live!

My very dear friend "M" rarely uses the "Everything happens for a reason" phrase, rather she uses what I would consider a much more life applicable phrase. "There are no coincidences"  I have come to learn that this is an ambiguous, subjective, multi-functional phrase that still allows for hope, a little mystery and gives people the chance to just accept what they are dealing with for what it is to them at the time. No reason, no validation, just "it is what it is".

I have rarely heard people say to others "Everything happens for a reason" during times of great happiness, elation and good news, although I am sure it has happened.  But, to tell someone in good times and bad that "there are no coincidences", this allows them to see their situation as they wish and stop trying to figure out why something happened or what the future will bring as a result.

This week for me has been amazing.  I finally got that job I wanted and worked hard for. I saw people celebrate some of the most precious things we can, birthdays (another day to continue their journey). I shared good news with friends and family, I watched as friends enjoyed special days and times with their loved ones, I spent time with very special people in my life.  I made memories with the moments I spent with my own family and children.  I met new people, I learned that just a smile (my smile) can have a positive impact, even more than words and I took the time to reach out to these I have not spoken with in a while just to let them know I was thinking of them.  I took time by myself to rest and reflect, I exercised as I always do but also took time to enjoy some wine and good food! I said prayers for those who needed them and I gave thanks for all they I have been blessed with.  Most important, I continued to be honest with myself and those around me about my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my sadness and my journey.

Although my week was filled with so many positive and good things, there were still those days and times that tested my strength, tested my faith, my parenting skills, and my confidence and yet, I survived.  I came away with a few very important lessons:

• Rest and nap when you can and sleep in
• Stay in your PJs all day, at least every few months
• Eat what you want every once in a while
• Drink wine!!!!
• Be vulnerable, its okay
• Be sorry when you are and not because you think you have to
• Except you are not perfect, because you are not
• Accept that what you want and what you have could be very different things
• Don't be afraid to be truthful even if it may hurt, but be compassionate always
• It is ok to be angry and use less than appropriate language (know your audience though) ;-)
• Say what you mean; and most important;
• Do what makes you happy and is enjoyable, you only have one life, one journey and so little time to make them amazing!!!!

So as I reflect on this past week and all the wonderful things I did, the amazing people I spent time with, the conversations I had, I am reminded so vividly that truly there are "No Coincidences".