Birth order or is it really the just the red hair.........

I have never been more aware of how my personality traits, qualities, skills and life experiences have served me until I began working part time as a bartender recently.  Being behind the bar requires so much more than serving drinks.  It is a fast paced, organized, carefully orchestrated job that requires everything I have learned about interpersonal skills, relationship building, style, grace, tolerance and yes, control.  Now don't get me wrong, it is all of these things but it is a damn good time too!  While it is a full and complete departure from the professional career that had me tied to a computer or blackberry for the last 19 years, everything I am and all that I have learned are applied to my job behind the bar every time I set foot behind the bar.  While this experience may be only be temporary until I figure out what and where my professional career journey will take me, I find myself asking......The person I am, the personality and traits I possess, how much of it is really related to the red locks I posses (she asks with a half smile) or the fact that I am a first born?

So you might be asking yourself, what the hell is she talking about, where is this blog post going and what does it have to do with being a Redhead?  I am getting there. Remember, this is my blog.......

I have always thought of myself as a take charge, "need to be in control of everything" kind of person. A fearless, strong willed, confident and competitive woman. I guess my perception of myself has evolved from years of being told both personally and professionally that I have boundless energy, I am a Type A personality, I am competitive, compassionate, loving, short tempered, and a little mischievous and oh, yes, probably the most often mentioned, I have this innate need to take charge and be in control, of everything and always try to have the last word.

My mom insisted I read the book Birth Order as it would explain a lot about who I am. It did. I learned the First born child tends to be extremely confident, a high achiever, driven, self assured and determined to be successful.  Yes, that is all me!!!   I must confess however, I also believe that being a redhead also explains so much as well.  If it didn't then redheads wouldn't be talked about, studied or referred to as much as we are. (Interesting fact: Of all the women who color their hair, 30 percent choose to become redheads—more than the 27 percent who go brunette and the 26 percent who go blond. Some scientists theorize that these women are capitalizing on the perception of the fiery redhead to signal to men that they are looking for partners. (Ok, it’s a theory!)

Via http://www.divinecaroline.com/37/71866-red-hot-redheads-cool-facts-carrot/2#ixzz1tRux3dYW

Now at first glance, one might think that most of these are complimentary descriptions and yes, to a degree they are, however for me, I also remember hearing these adjectives used in discussions with a tone and intent that was not always so complimentary.  Don't get me wrong, I have been praised for most of these qualities my entire professional career and life but as a kid growing up in school and when it comes to my interpersonal relationships, well, that is where this road takes a slight turn.

 There can be a downside to these "qualities" and "personality traits” I can hear actually hear my mother's words now.  The words she spoke during our many arguments, fights actually (yes, they were often screaming matches but I was 15 and well, 16, 17 and 18).  I am positive that I drove her crazy with my tenaciousness, my inability to admit I was wrong and my constant need to have the last word.  Yes, my mother is a saint and like many moms’ who raised shall we say "challenging" daughters, she wished upon me a daughter just like me, and I got one! The jury is still out on the 2nd daughter as she is only 10, but that is a whole other story.

Growing up a redhead with pale skin, greenish eyes and freckles, that was an interesting time.  Being a redhead with all the traits and qualities previously mentioned, let’s just say it was, at times challenging for me and those around me.  I remember so often wanting to change everything about myself.

Like many girls in their early teens I tried everything to change my hair color (lemons, peroxide and as I got older, actual hair color).  God I wanted to be a blond.  Like many who grew up in the error of the iconic and yet unrealistic Brady Bunch show I tried like hell to erase my damn freckles with lemons (Thanks Jan Brady for nothing).

I never felt like I fit in my own skin.  Although I can remember my mom telling me how wonderful and unique I was, I wanted to change myself desperately.  As a redhead, children in school can be unkind.  Add freckles to the mix and well the comments were not always kind.  (Ginger, carrot top, freckle face to name a few).  No one wants to be different, especially as a pre-teen.

Did you know that in medieval Europe, a Witch-hunting manual, "instructed that red hair and green eyes were marks of a witch, as were freckles."  In addition, "of all the hair stereotypes out there, no one suffers more injustice than redheads do. Throughout history, we have been subjected to discrimination and fearful prejudice, being viewed as untrustworthy, mischievous, temperamental, and lustful." (Great.....lets add witch to the redhead stereotype)  Being a redhead apparently comes with a lot of responsibility!!

Via http://www.divinecaroline.com/37/71866-red-hot-redheads-cool-facts-carrot#ixzz1tRpv6TN1

Then, flash forward 10 or so years and WOW, all of a sudden the gawky, freckle face redhead (with the strong personality) is all of a sudden, not so bad.  You look in the mirror and begin to like what you see and of course being noticed by the boys wasn't terrible.

  

It was not until I was in my 30s, did I really begin to understand who I was and began to be thankful for all that I am.  I began to understand the appeal of being a redhead but more importantly the appeal and importance of being a strong, intelligent, kind, compassionate, caring woman (even with a temper).  In my 40s however I really began to embrace everything that is my life and the person I am.   I began to understand the importance of being in control but learned how to balance that with the ability to compromise.  I began to learn how to be competitive and yet make the "bigger picture" a priority.  I began to truly know the importance of the strength I possess but learned that it does not make me weak to be vulnerable and ask for help.  I learned that I am not always right and that having the last word is not all its cracked up to be.  Refraining from that last remark and giving others hat opportunity allows for so much more learning.  You learn that listening is one of the most valuable communication strategies we have.

Well what ever the reason.  However I received these personality traits, qualities and skills, I would not change them for a moment.  They are who I am.  They define me.  They have served me well for the better part of 44 years and they have made me what I am today.  While I have learned in the last 10 years how to calibrate some of them, how to "tone" them down a bit in certain situations (specifically the OCD, control freak, short tempered, need to be right about everything traits) and how to use them to make me and the world and people around me better, I am blessed to be a fiery, unabashed, driven, confident, motivated, competitive and mischievous woman.  I will attribute some of this to my birth order but would like to believe that being a redhead has a lot to do with it too.

I am proud to represent 2% of the population.  I like being called rare and unique. I am happy to be part of a population that studies indicate that it really is the redhead who has more fun (yes the studies indicate that we desire and have a little more fun in the bedroom, if you catch my drift). So here I find myself, after years of wanting to change my hair color, wishing away my freckles and light skin, wishing I could change the traits I was blessed with and have made me successful, being completely and utterly happy.  Being content in that pale skin and being the fiery, sexy and mischievous redhead that I am today!  Yes for many I may be a mystery, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Are we truly not given more than we can handle?

There is a saying, "God does not give you more than he thinks you can handle".  Whether you are religious or not, believe in a God or not, we all know the saying.  Chances are we have all been told this at some point in our life.  It is only repeated at times of unrest, stress or uncertainly in one's life.  I ask, how come this saying is never brought out of a friend or acquaintance's arsenal of motivational, "pep talk" quotes and advice when things are good?  Is that because unlike the many hardships, stresses, self-imposed or perceived negative situations in our life, God would also not give us more happiness and joy than he think we can handle?  At the onset of hearing someone tell you this, I know my immediate response used to be "I know", "I am a strong woman, capable of handling what ever might come my way".  Now however, after hearing this statement more than I would care to say, my immediate response is "How do I know that I am strong enough?"

I was having lunch with one of the coolest people I know this week when we were deep in conversation about, well everything.  Life in general and like many of you out there we talked little about the good things in our life, the things we all say we are blessed to have but forget so quickly.  We spent much of our hour and  half lunch talking about "that stuff that God does not give us unless he knows we can handle it"  As I listened to this person, 20 years my junior, talk about her struggles, her fears and concerns, the insight I want to share is that nothing much changes in 20 years.  Yes, some of us mature, or like to think we do.  Yes, the actual struggles and issues are different but the reaction to them, the coping mechanisms we use and the way in which we lean on each other for support does not change.

How cool would it be to pull this saying out during a conversation detailing all the wonderful and amazing things going on in your life?  We all want happiness, we all are in search of that "thing: that "feeling" and for some that "person" that intangible and sometimes elusive thing that we believe will make us happy.  How cool would it be to start believing that not only are we NOT given more than we can handle with life's daily trials, tribulations, stresses and challenges, but that we are also NOT given more than we can handle in terms of happiness, love, friendship, passion and what I am sure are many other things you all think about?  I believe it takes the same amount of strength, compassion, tenacity, confidence and modesty to handle all that is good in your life as it does to handle the "not so great" in our lives.  Maybe if we did this, we would realize that there is no limit to handling both the good and the bad.  Not to discount the original saying but maybe we are not given more or less than we can handle, maybe this is just life, our journey and every decision, every act, every word spoken or not spoken is truly what creates our ability to work through and handle what ever we are faced with.

This week was a very emotional and tear filled week for me.  I was all over the emotional map and truth be told, I still am.  I was lucky enough to share my time with some very special people and listen, learn, gain insight, offer support and just be their friend.  Each of these wonderful people has a story.  They are all, in some way dealing with so much in their lives.  No more or less than me or you (who ever you are if you are reading this) but it is their journey and they are learning how to cope, work through and triumph.  They are all doing it with such grace and style.  I learned much from them this week.  The lessons I learned are raw and uncomfortable. I learned that while I am a strong and at times a fearless woman, I am scared of much.  I learned that while I am an honest person, I am not always honest about my feelings, my wants and needs with the people I need to be.  I, myself am one of the people I am at times least honest with.  My fears often prevent me from facing the reality that is my journey.  I am scared that if I am truly honest with myself about certain things that the epiphany I am sure to have will not be so pretty.  At the same time, I know that in order for me to continue successfully on this journey I must face that fear and accept what ever the outcome might be.  I also learned, and prepare yourself because its a big one, I am angry at where I find myself sometimes.  I have no one to blame but me, but wish I could place the blame elsewhere.  I often care too much about what others will think about me and my decisions and will judge me.  I often wish for the answers and the easy way out, knowing intellectually that I alone possess the answers and know how to create the path.  This is me and I am human.  For some, I hope that the words I have just written resonate.  I am sure they are the words some of you have also thought but did not want to say out loud because that would make them real.  These are my truths and while not so pretty, impossible to ignore.

So my pledge to myself and those I care about is to begin using my own saying when supporting them.  I will begin to live the mantra that indeed we are not given more than "God or whomever you believe in" thinks that we can handle but that this applies to not only the stresses and hardships in our life but also to all the wonderful things that happen to each of us every day.  Lesson: our ability to handle both hardship and happiness has no boundary; there is no cap on happiness or sadness.  We are all capable of dealing with both and both are equally important in our journey.  I know they are for me.  I created my own hardships this week now it is up to me to create the happiness that I know somewhere, deep down, exists.  

So I guess it begins for me today.  This blogging thing.  Why did I begin? Still trying to figure that out.  I guess, my initial thought (and guess) is to create an outlet, a venue, an opportunity to share my thoughts (random as they may be), my ideas, insights and experiences.  The question is, share them with whom? Who will care? I guess that does not concern me at the moment as this is my journey and I want to write about it.

Where am I today and how did I get here? (just to put everything into perspective).  I am a 44 year old mother of three (yeah I went there) age matters very little to me.  My three children are my life but what kind of mom would I be if I didn't say that.  I am a Human Resources professional and have worked in this industry for more than 19 years.  I recently, due to so many circumstances left my job. Circumstances....to many to list.  Lets just say personal and professional and it was time.

Lets go back a few years.  When I turned 40 in 2008, it was like being hit by a truck.  Call it a mid life crisis or anything else you want.  I am sure there is a very smart psychological term for it.  I was in a job that made me less than happy, working with people that did not inspire me.  I was traveling more than I wanted, working 60+ hours a week, my phone had become a new appendage on my body and I was missing my children's life.  (yeah, yeah, I know, but I am not looking for pity, just explaining)

I was on a business trip, in a hotel room (on my 40th birthday), crying to my mom (no matter what age, we always go back to mom).  I knew I needed to make changes but didn't know how.  My mom in her infinite and "direct" wisdom basically told me to stop crying, do what I needed to do and get on with it.  I did. I quit my six figure job that week, told my family and then.....sat down and exclaimed, out loud, "what the hell did I just do? What was I thinking?

Now I am not looking for sympathy here.  My life was/is good.  My experiences, concerns, trials and tribulations, sacrifices etc are no different than every working person (mom or dad) out there.  But as I said earlier in this post, this is my journey, my blog and I am hoping that in some way, someone reads these posts and can relate.


5 months later in July 2008 I joined a great company and LOVED my job (well, until I was exposed to the biggest HR challenge any HR professional can experience.  An egotistical, passive/aggressive, misogynistic, VP who through some act of god (can't chalk it up to anything else) remained employed by my company even after my professional HR recommendations (if you can read between the lines).  The company then went through a sale and major restructure leaving me somewhat over-qualified for the tasks and responsibilities that were now mine and again I found myself traveling more than I wanted and missing the lives of my kids.  Again, those circumstances (personal and professional) rose to the surface and my employment came to a quiet and appropriate end.  I learned so much during my 3 1/2 years with the company.  I learned valuable lessons that regardless of the field I choose for employment in the future, it will serve me well.

My goal here is really just tell my story, as it unfolds. I have so many things to share and to say.  Some, maybe I shouldn't but I will anyway.  I want to LIVE my journey, I want to leave a legacy.  At my very Irish wake and funeral someday very, very far in the future, I want them to say she loved life, got all she wanted out of it and most of all, "Lived her journey".   I don't just want to get on board and see where it takes me.  I want to feel and experience every single moment, good, bad, ugly, beautiful, terrifying and joyful. I will share this, with anyone who cares to listen, read and comment.  I am also okay if it is only me who posts and shares, as my goal is to also document this journey and find some answers to questions I don't even know I have.

As you can probably sense, sarcasm can, at times, filter in to my posts and sense of humor.  Trust me, it will grow on you.

So as I close out this very first blog post let me end by saying, I am blessed but not always happy.  I am a positive person, but don't always feel positive and inspired. I love and care but sometimes feel alone.  So I think I will leave it at that.  I think I will start with the kids and their story first, again in order to give more perspective and background! Look for more to come.